Drive

I was thinking about some things today. My faith is a constant. Tonight, we went to a good friend's house. His uncle and aunt and cousins were there, too. They're so nice. So nice! Very hospitable and caring and loving. Great people. What do I believe? Well, I believe that love is the most important feeling that we can experience as humans. I believe that Jesus gave us a perfect example of love. But, somehow, I believe that (more than likely) my good friend and his family are going to be tormented forever in Hell because they don't believe Jesus to be the only way to salvation. How can this be? They just showed us sincere love and kindness. I don't understand... And why should I? I'm a mere human. I don't understand God's ways. I can't. I want to understand some things. But I just don't. 

I was also thinking about something I read recently in Genesis. There's a scene when Abraham is challenging God when God was going to destroy Sodom. I don't know what I was thinking... Maybe my question was if I could challenge God in the same way. And I know I was thinking about Atheism today. Today's Festivus and that's the secular holiday that a lot of Atheists celebrate in leu of Christmas. What would I challenge God on? I'm only a human, I know. Maybe, why is it that God made us all knowing that some are not going to love him back. I mean, this is the question that everyone asks. Why doesn't God just come down to Earth and say, "Hey! Here I am! I'm real!". I know he did do that with Jesus. Is it all up to us and our faith? Really, I think it is wise for me to seriously challenge my faith. I don't want to believe something that's fake. I want it to be real. And if it's real, I want my faith to be 100%, not this half-way shit that I've been doing. There's some questions that will always be there. Like, why are there some people that have really shitty lives? Or why are kids born in houses with really shitty parents? Pain. Suffering. Both are huge. Pain sucks. Suffering sucks. Heartache sucks. Yet, people still go through those things. And God loves them. Why doesn't he heal them? I don't know...

I'll read the Bible. Seriously and critically. The Bible should be able to answer my questions. I should be able to tell if it's divine. God's word. Or bullshit. Really, I've been conditioned not to question anything about my faith. I was brought up with the saying, "God said it, that settles it". The statement was born from the original statement, "God said it, I believe it, that settles it". That wasn't good enough. The logic is that, it doesn't matter if I believe it or not, it's still true. It's also assuming that the Bible is God's word, that it's inspired, holy, perfect and should be taken completely literal. "God said it, that settles it". 

I shouldn't question it. Because God said it and that settles it. I'm going to Hell if I don't believe it. I don't want Hell. I really don't. I'm still scared about Hell. 

Here's what I think now. I think that if God is real, and God loves, and I was made in his image, then he made me a thinking person. He made me knowing that I would have curiosity in me. He made me knowing that I have a brain that is aware. I exist. I can make decisions. If God made us, and placed us in this existence because he longs for love just like I do, then he wants my love just like I want love. He doesn't want someone programed to love. He wants real love. Love from someone who knows him. Love that's real. If God exists, then that's what I think he wants. Right now, my love is programed. I'm 32 years old and I have an inherited faith. 

I have so many issues that I'm working out with my faith, but I have to start somewhere. I think the Bible is a good place to begin. The church claims it's inerrant, it's perfect, it's literal. I disagree. I think it's with errors. It's a compilation of a bunch of books written by a bunch of different people. Key word, "people". it's going to have errors. It's going to be flawed. Also, God didn't decide what's in the Bible, people did. People who probably had an agenda. People who were probably more concerned about money and power than they were about God. That's an assumption on my side. I wasn't there (obviously) when the early church decided what goes in the Bible and what doesn't. I really don't know much about how the Bible was put together--something I do want to study.

Anyway, I'll read. I'll look. I'll keep my ears open. I'll have an open mind, as open as I can. 

Run

Remember this summer when I said I was going to run every day? Lol. This was my first run in a while. A nice little winter solstice run.

2:18

This Copeland record is so dang good! I'm listening to "Erase" right now. Wait for it... At 2:18's when the ear-candy gets so tasty.

I'm listening to this record with a full belly on my lunch break. Taking a break from grading is needed right now. I was going to write these personal thoughts in my journal, but I left my journal at home. So, you get to hear them.

I don't think they're that personal. I just wanted to talk about how I like this Copeland recording so much. I think I also wanted to talk about my Thanksgiving weekend. ...I ate way to damn much. I had two plates at my parent's at around noon, then I had another plate at Lindsey's parent's at around 4. I sinned. Yup. I'm a sinner. A sinner jerkface. It wasn't worth it. The food was tasty, but it could have been enjoyed in moderation.

The next morning, we packed our things and drove to Denver. The weather was supposed to be bad, but it really wasn't terrible. We started to encounter some clouds and a little snow just after Santa Fe (we drove from Albuquerque). The roads were the worst between Pueblo and the CO/NM border. There was only one lane of I-25 plowed, and traffic was just slow. No big deal.

Oh yeah! And when we stopped in Trinidad for lunch, we saw the news that there was an active shooter in Colorado Springs. Fun! (Not fun!) What the heck is wrong with our country? What the heck is wrong with humans?

haha. Well, since I'm a God-fearing, Bible-thumper, I would say it's sin... The dude that shot and killed three people and injured some others had sin. All this violence and evil and disagreements are from sin. We're not basically good. I'm a dang glutton, and not just on Thanksgiving. I don't treat others with grace. I think I have a tendency to want to do evil. Now, I wouldn't shoot another person. In fact, I hate guns. A lot. Those are just my thoughts. Even as I write them, I feel like I need to think them through more. They need to be refined.

I'll move to something else... I listened to the Pastor With No Answers podcast yesterday. It's an interesting topic. Is Hell a place of eternal conscious torment? Oh my gosh, that's a biggie for me. So, there are three main viewpoints within Christianity. There's the traditional view. You confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, repent of your sins and worship Jesus, or else... or else, you spend eternity burning in Hell. Forever. There's no escape. Burning. Fire. Forever. Even if you were part of an ancient North American culture and you never heard of the Hebrew God...Hell. If you were born deep in China and became a Buddhist because that's what your people do...Hell. If you were born in a Muslim family...Hell. If you are just a skeptic of everything and you're not convinced because, well, God made you a skeptic, then...Hell. Forever and ever. Torture. Forever.

That sucks!!!!! Who am I to question God? But, that sucks!

Okay, there's my opinion on the traditional view of Hell.

The bell's going to ring, so I'll write a few short sentences about the other two.

There's the annihilation view that says if you don't accept God's help, then you just cease to exist.

Finally, the universalist view that says that God made all of us and he loves us all and he will redeem you even if you rejected him, or if you didn't hear about him. Everyone goes to Heaven.

So, it was an interesting conversation and I would recommend you listen to it. I'll also recommend the Copeland recording "Ixora".

Good day to you!

I Haven't Written...

I haven't written in this blog in a while. I think I start blog posts like this a lot. If I were to search my blog, I'd bet that I would find those exact words found in a few places. "I haven't written in this blog in a while." Whatever, I guess. I haven't. I'm afraid I'm not using a blog the way it's supposed to be used. I write a lot of personal shit here. It's more of a journal to me. I've noticed that other bloggers have themes. Like a cooking blog. Or a home improvement blog. Or a whatever blog. My blog is mostly just my directionless thoughts.

I've got a journal for that reason. My blog does have some traffic. I don't know if it's actual traffic. But, maybe a real person stumbles upon my blog every once in a while. And, do I really want to disclose all these personal details to strangers? That's why I got a journal. I write. I write when I'm frustrated. I write when I'm happy. I write when I'm questioning. I write. 

My hands are really dry. Whoa! Yeah, that's right. I'll talk about something completely different now. They are, though. In the winter, my hands get really dry. I'll bet there's an explanation for that. I won't look it up. There are a ton of other things that are irritating me other than my dry hands. Like being a damn parent. Being a parent is tough. But, I wouldn't even say that it's that bad. Being a parent is hard. It really does get easier when you remember how much you love your kids, though. 

*disclaimer. The next couple of sentences are disgusting. I'm going to talk about human shit.*

Like, today. Luke is getting the hang of this whole potty thing. He's got peeing down pretty well. I'm not sure he's got pooping yet, though. He was busy playing with his new Lego fire truck when I noticed a smell. I asked Luke, "did you poop"? He responded, of course, "no". So, I checked his pants and noticed smooshed shit on his whitey tighties. Ugh... Time to go to the potty. I peeled his undies off and let him sit on his potty. I proceeded to take his dirty laundry to the washer and when I returned to the bathroom I discovered shit smeared on Luke's legs and hands and all over his potty. Time to get the baby wipes and Clorox wipes... 

It may sound like I'm complaining now, mostly because I am. But, it's okay. I'm not mad at Luke. I cleaned him up, and I cleaned up the bathroom. And I gave him grace because he's still learning, and he's doing okay. And mostly because I love him. 

I wanted to talk about work, but I think I'll leave that for my journal. I guess I can talk about God now. 

So, we've been going to a "community group" from our church recently. It's been okay. It's hard to relate to Christians. I feel like Lindsey and I are really odd Christians. We're open to a lot of thoughts, and we also question everything. I feel like we're really cynical, too. Realistic. We haven't really found any good friends in the church. 

I'm not going to finish that thought because I'm tired. I did want to also mention that I was listening to the beginning of a podcast episode of Unbelievable. The program had one Christian and one non-Christian. They were discussing if science could explain away God. The argument, I guess, was that since everything can be explained with science, then there's no need to revert to God as an explanation. The Christian argued that there are plenty of things in life that cannot be explained by science, and morality is one of those. They non-Christian replied that, yes you can--Evolution. Anyway, it was very interesting, and I feel that the non-Christian debater had stronger arguments. I'll have to finish the episode, I only listened to the first 20 - 30 minutes. 

Humility

It's Saturday! I should be lesson planning. Well, there's always Sunday. Besides, it's been a long week. Saturday is for recoup.

This morning we went to a health screening for my dang health insurance. They say that I'll get a discount because...


---

The last two paragraphs were written several hours ago. I'm continuing the same writing now. I'm in my "office" at home reflecting on the day. It's definitely been a day. Lots of questions asked today. Questions about my life. Faith. Parenting. Teaching. Marriage. Questions that can't be immediately answered. I know that anything that's worth anything takes time. It takes patience. It takes diligence. It takes steadfastness. It takes practice. It requires tenacity. Giving up can't be an option. I'm thinking of all the cheesy motivational posters... But, it's true. I have to hang on even when things become challenging. I have to push on. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. I'm finding out that teaching is hard. Being a damn human is hard! It's also rewarding. But, that's not why we're in this--for the rewards. I don't think you can be. Rewards don't come along very often. I mean, maybe they do for some. My kids are here every day. Are they a reward? A reward is something that is earned, I think. I don't think I earned my kids.

My kids are amazing and I love them with all my heart. They are a gift. They give me joy. They also bring me frustration. Especially my 3 year old. I love this little boy to pieces. He's just so damn strong willed and stubborn. Potty training is pure heck for us. He's smart enough to go potty on his own. I've seen him do it. He just doesn't want to. It's hard! And extremely frustrating! He's like a ticking time-bomb. Any little thing can set him off. It can be something as simple as asking him if he wants a snack. Or giving him something to drink. I hand him a toy the wrong way. I walk across the room in a way that isn't pleasing to him. I think that's just him being a normal preschooler.

My boy loves me back, though. And that just makes my heart melt. One time, we went to the zoo and as we were leaving, I was carrying him on my shoulders. Randomly, he just said, "I love you, Dada". It wasn't prompted. I didn't have to ask him. I didn't tell him I loved him first. We were just walking in the parking lot and he was on my shoulders... "I love you, Dada". I responded, "I love you too, Buddy".

A reward? I don't know.

Christianity teaches to be selfless. To do things because of love.

It's difficult to do, sometimes. I mean, all the time.

So, press on. Never give up. Love. I'm working on it. Frustrations are there. Frustrations with marriage. Frustrations with parenting. Frustrations with work.

Christianity also teaches humility. Man, I thought I had this down. But the second you think you're humble, you're not. How funny. I am full of pride. This very moment.

Drink a Beer

I'd like to think I have a lot of good things to say. Teaching will be the true test, I suppose. It's been a real interesting couple of weeks, to say the least! But, now it's the weekend. I'm trying to find my bearings.

I'm happy, I guess. There are some things I would love to work on in my life. There's always something to work on. I want to improve on my writing skills for one. This blog is my practice. Like now. I want to write about whatever comes to mind.

In my class, I start the class of with a journal. I think writing skills are important, and I want to teach that to them. I will read an article and I expect my class to respond to the article I read. Sometimes it's difficult for a 7th or 8th grader to get started on responding, so I'll ask a question about the article and I'll write it on the chalk board. Even after the question, some of my students will have a hard time getting started. At this point, I'll go and ask more questions, then they'll verbalize an opinion. Then, I'll encourage them to write down the thoughts they just spoke to me on their paper.

I want to practice what I preach. This blog can be where I do that...practice my writing.

I don't have a news article. I do have today, though.

Today, I listened to the Bad Christian Podcast interview with Mike Herrera. Well, I've listened to most of it. I still have a bit to listen to. So far, it's been really cool. Cool is too vague of a word. Maybe insightful. Profound. Soul-seeking. Eye-opening. (I'm trying to broaden my vocabulary, as well. Because, you know, practice what you preach). So, it's Mike Herrera. MxPx. Pretty much the band that shaped who I am today. I'm not sure who I'd be if I didn't start listening to MxPx my sophomore year in high school. Punk rock resonated with me... And I happened to be a Christian, so it was a match made in heaven. Christian punk was my thing, and Mike Herrera was my hero. Fast forward to 3 or 4 years ago (??) I caught wind of Mike Herrera dumping his faith. I guess I didn't think too much of it at first. It's his journey, and he lost his faith. ...

It made me feel a bit abandoned. Which is crazy. I don't even know this man. I mean, I know his music, so I guess I have a bond with him even though he has no clue who I am. When he left Christianity, I felt like our team lost a star member. This is so insane! Why did I feel that way? Mike Herrera is no longer professing to be a Christian. Does that make my Christianity less valid. Strangely, it kinda felt like it. But, Mike Herrera isn't Jesus. I admire the man because of his music and the impact his music had and still has on me.

The interview was great, though. I love the Bad Christian Podcast. The dudes are all Southern and have a sense of humor that I can relate to. They laugh, they joke around, they love Jesus, and they question their faith. I like it. I don't want to be a blind-faith Christian, and these guys talk about all the things I wonder about. I think I relate to Matt the most, but the things that Toby says make me laugh out loud, like LOL, literally.

But back to the point. Mike on their podcast. They asked the question I wanted to ask. "Why did you leave Christianity?" His response surprised me. I got the idea that he really didn't leave, but that he's still on his spiritual journey. That struck a chord with me...a guy who is just following the believe that was given to me by my parents. I want to think for myself, but I want to be objective. I want my belief to be real, to be genuine. I don't want to just have a team that I root for. Mike's not on my team. The Bad Christian Podcast is not on my team. We're all on our spiritual journeys...

It's been a long week. I'm going to stop writing and I'm going to drink a beer.

I'm a Teacher

My last blog post sucked. Sorry to say, this will be another sucky blog post. I've got a MacBook Pro! Yeah, it's an older one. I think from 2012. Wait... Yeah. It's from 2012.

I like it a lot! I really don't know that I'll install any apps on it. I'll probably just use the web browser like I did on my Chromebook. "Why did you buy that damn thing?", you might ask. I didn't buy it. They are loaning it to me. "They" being my employer. I'm a teacher now, and they think I need a laptop, apparently. I'm actually surprised by my new job. Every teacher has a MacBook or MacBook pro. The computer lab is filled with iMacs (do they still call them iMacs?), and every classroom has 3 Macintosh computers. I thought these computers were expensive! Well. They are. I guess I just expected Windows machines. 

But the computer I'm typing on right now really isn't important. I'm a teacher now. This is crazy to me. It's up to me to teach ~125 7th and 8th grade students. I'm excited! I have a ton to learn. I've learned so much in just two days with students. 

Tech

I think a lot about technology. It probably consumes me and I shouldn't let it. I enjoy it, though. I always have. I got my first computer when I was in the 10th or 11th grade. It was a Windows 95 machine with a 56k modem. I had Netzero internet and I checked music websites, chatted with my friends in chatrooms and I downloaded music from Audiogalaxy. My computer was too slow to play any video games, but a flame was lit there. A flame was lit even before that, but that was the first computer that was mine. I enjoyed the heck out of it.

I've never been exceptionally smart about hardware or software. I mean, I can build a computer from a kit if I really wanted to. I can navigate software with ease, but I would never dream of writing code. I just enjoy computers.

Today, I interact with two computers all the time: my Motorola Droid Turbo and my Moto 360. Less frequently, I have an Acer C710 Chromebook that I am typing on right now. I'm a basic user. I don't use my computers for anything specialized, like recording music, or video and audio editing. I mean, I'll use some apps like VSCO cam and Snapseed to edit photos, but nothing intense. The Google products work for me. I use Google Music All Access for music, I use Netflix and Hulu... Pretty boring stuff. I really don't know why I'm writing about this right now. I guess I have a little more time on my hands today than I thought...

I enjoy my Turbo a lot. The build and the design isn't excellent. I think I would prefer an iPhone in that area. iPhone always wins beauty pageant in my opinion. But, the turbo is okay. I have the "ballistic nylon" model. The front face is all glass and the back is just a nylon material. It's not super thin, but it does have a huge battery and I imagine it is challenging to make a thin phone and finding where to put the battery. Screen quality is amazing. It's bright and crisp. One of my favorite features of the phone is the camera, however. It takes great pictures. I probably use the camera more than any other feature on the phone. So, it's been a good phone.

The Moto 360 has been fun. I've always worn watches, usually a Timex or Casio, so when Android Wear came out, I knew I wanted a smartwatch. I started out with the LG G Watch. I then moved on to the 360. I've been pleased and displeased with the device. The circular design is great. The entire circle isn't illuminated. There's a little edge on the bottom of the display that is just black. I imagine it's just connections... I don't know. It has a leather band and a button on the side. Android Wear is okay. It basically just shows my notifications on my wrist. I can reply to text messages via a voice response. I can't really reply to facebook, twitter or any other social media. I can compose an email. I can control Google Music, Netflix and Hulu. It's convenient, I guess. I wouldn't say it's needed by any means, but it's cool. Everything is voice opperated... So if I'm cooking and I need to set a timer, I can say, "okay, google. Set a timer for 25 minutes.". Or if I'm riding my bike and I have my ear buds in, I can place a call by saying "okay, google. call so and so". Or "..text so and so". You get the point. It's cool, but not a necessity for my life.

I do have to charge the darn thing every day and sometimes twice a day. But there are more important things in life. This is a luxury item and my life doesn't end if my smartwatch battery dies. I don't die if my technology dies. haha!

Then there's my Chromebook. This is the least expensive of all my devices. I think it was like $180 or whatever. It has a small display for laptops, and it's not supper high resolution... (gasp) I can see pixels. Battery is okay, it'll last half a day with heavy use. It's not the lightest, or best built. It's built of plastic. Typing is okay. I don't feel hindered when I type. So, it's good. What's really cool is that it's built on the cloud. A lot of people don't quite get the idea. It has a very small hard disk, like 8 or 16 GB. When you save something, it's on Google Drive. I think when Lindsey bought this chromebook for me it came with 100 GB for free for a year. All your stuff is on Drive. This is awesome because if I lose my Chrombook I'm out $180, but all my data is safe on Drive. So, that's cool.

There's not much in the way of apps, or programs. Any sort of app would be found in the Chrome Web Store. Most of the apps are browser based apps, and are just links to websites. There are some apps that can be run on the computer itself and there are even two or three Android apps you can install on it.

Word processing is great. Google Docs has really made some improvements. I can write a paper or compose something and it's always saved and accessible from my phone or other computers. If I need to send a document to someone and they have Windows or Mac, I can save the document as a .docx and send it that way. Docs is always improving too.

Chromebook has been great. My next computer will probably be a Chromebook. I'm thinking about Pixel, but I'll probably never pull the trigger. It's too expensive. I've also considered the new Macbook but I'll probably not get that for the same reason.

If you're still with me, you're just as bored as I am right now. This has been a waste of time for me, I hope it's wasted your time too.

Merry Christmas!

Matthew 1-2

Merry Christmas! That's what I think about when I read the opening chapters of Matthew. I thought it would be good to get into the Gospels. I haven't read them in a long while. I really don't read much of the Bible... at least I don't think I do. I try to find a book of the Bible and dig as much as I can into it. Life throws a ton at me though and I am terrible at time management. I really don't think I read the Bible that much.

Anyway, I hope to change that. I want to study the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I was reminded of the Gospels last night while I was listening to The Bad Christian Podcast. It was a theological debate of the inerrancy of the Bible. They spoke a bit of the last chapter of Mark and how it's likely that it was added after the original book was written. The podcast was really interesting, I think it was episode 102 if you want to check it out.

But yeah, Christmas. Chapter 1 begins with genealogy, which is fantastically captivating. I'm being sarcastic. A real snooze-fest. This time it was a little more interesting than the last time I read it. First, I listened to this chapter in the form of audio book on my way to work one day, so I had a better understanding on pronunciation of names. Second, Ruth caught my attention this time. Only because I read through Ruth and studied it a bit a few months back. I even wrote a blog. Surprise. Ruth was a beggar but she found herself in the lineage of royalty with King David, and eventually Jesus. It's so cool to me that God uses people who are in the lower end of societies.

I also noticed that the linage follows males here and it leads to Joseph, who was only the husband of Mary who had Jesus. But, Joseph and Mary didn't conceive Jesus. Mary conceived Jesus by the Holy Spirit. Okay, there's a lot of weirdness here. Why is it important that the lineage ends with Joseph when Joseph didn't have any biological relation to Jesus? Then there's Mary conceiving by the Holy Spirit. Let's talk birds and bees. When a man and a woman love each other, they buy a bottle of champagne, they rent a cabin in the woods, they start a fire, have a nice candlelit dinner, they skip dinner, drink the champagne and go at it.

Mary was different. She conceived by the Holy Spirit. This makes no sense to me. It was a miracle. There was no father's sperm to fertilize her egg. There was just a baby. And his name was Jesus.

I don't see miracles today. Some people say that having a baby is a miracle. I disagree. All mammals mate. There's sperm, there's an egg and there's a birth. The baby develops in its mother's womb and is born. This is how it works with mammals. (Except for the weird-ass mammals in Australia where mothers give birth to an egg, or an underdeveloped fetus that crawls into a pouch to continue development.) So, a miracle. I can't believe it. I mean, I do. But I can't. According to the commentary in my Bible, Matthew was written between 50 - 70 A.D. So, Matthew wasn't with Mary when she felt like she was pregnant. He wasn't a reporter Tweeting his experiences, following Mary around. I wonder how Matthew knew what he did. Did he interview Mary later on? Who knows. But, he wrote down that she was a virgin and she was pregnant. Impossible. That's what it says, though. This is where faith takes over.

Natural laws are just that. Laws. They can't be broken. But, I look into the sky at night and I think about the Universe. There's gravity and matter and anti matter, and black holes and stars and planets, and the Universe is made of galaxies and there are countless galaxies and there's light, and light has a limit as to how fast it travels. The Universe follows these rules. Why?! Why are there rules?! I think that God has wisdom and abilities that are so much higher than mine. I believe that God sparked the Big Bang. I believe that the creation and evolution of the Universe was set in motion by a planner with infinite skill and with love. I believe God created life on Earth with single cell organisms. Those organisms began to adapt more effectively to their environments and several millions of years later, here we are. Humans. I believe we are here because the Universe has laws that it has to follow. But what if the Creator wants to bend or break a rule? He made the rule. It's there because he wanted it there. Far be it from me to deny the Creator to break a rule that he made in the first place.

The natural was then supernatural. Jesus was born. Because of love.

Then there's more. Wise men from the east came to worship Jesus. Where were these guys from? I think it would be cool if they traveled from China. I'm sure there's some evidence of where they really were from. Persia? India? Nashville? Who knows? They traveled a long distance, and they went to Jerusalem first where they asked Herod the king where they could find Jesus. Herod the king didn't know, but wanted them to report to him once they did find him so that he could kill this "King of the Jews". Herod didn't want any part of this Jesus. He was the king of the Jews. The wise men found Jesus in Belen (Bethlehem in English). They went into his house and they brought gifts and they worshiped.

Here, I imagine what a 1st century house was like. The wise men didn't perfectly time their journey to the exact moment that he was born in a manger like nativity scenes will suggest. Jesus was already born. It sounds like he was still a baby, less than 2 years old. Maybe he was already walking around. I don't know, but the wise men found him. They were then warned in a dream not to go back to Herod the king with news, and they went back to their country.

Herod found out that the wise men didn't report the news and he became angry and ordered that all boys two and younger should be killed. I couldn't even imagine what this scene must have been like.

Joseph, Mary and Jesus skipped town though because of a dream that Joseph had. They went to Egypt for a bit until Joseph was alerted again in a dream that it was okay to go back, but to go to Nazareth instead. So, Jesus was a Nazarene. Nazerenes where shunned, they were looked down upon and Jesus was from here. He wasn't born in a palace. He was basically part of a homeless family for the first part of his life, and when he found his home, it was a place that was considered dirty and unimportant.

Are these stories valid? Is it historical? How reliable is Matthew's writings? Who was interviewed to compile the story? Was it Mary herself. Interesting things for me to ponder...

Love is...

1 Corinthians 13

What is love? This chapter gives me a good idea of what love is and what love does. The chapter begins with telling me what my life is without love. It lists all these great accomplishments, and then reminds me that if I don't have love that they mean nothing. I can apply this to my own life. Humans need love. I think just as much as food, air and water. Love is needed for survival. If you don't have love you can continue to exist, but will die in a way. I think that our creator loves and love starts with Him, and we need to love and be loved based off of His example.

I hate when I read something in the Bible that I've heard a thousand times before. It has no meaning to me just because I've heard it so many times. This morning, I tried to look closer. Think about what is being said, and how it applies to my life. I take love for granted. I love my wife. I love my sons. I love my God. I feel that they love me back. I can try to imagine what I would be if I didn't have that love. I imagine an incredible feeling of emptiness. I wouldn't like that. I'm glad I have love in my life.

So, the beginning of the chapter tells me that my accomplishments mean nothing without love. It goes on to talk about what love is. Love is...patient, kind; does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I can see that this is true. When I feel love, or when I feel that I am loving, all these things are in place. The last part of this phrase confuses me a bit. "...believes all things..." Not sure what that means, but the rest makes sense to me. Good thing I have some commentary in my Bible. I guess it refers to relationships with people and not faith in God. I believe in my son, for example, and I hope the best for him. I will pour out my love to my son in believing in him and hoping in him and enduring with him. I guess that's what it manes. The same can be applied to my wife and other people I love.

It's not easy to love. I'm freaking selfish! I want to love myself so much. I have a sick tendency to do this. I want to put myself first over my son, over my wife, over God. Even while I'm enjoying my quiet time this morning. I'm drinking my coffee, reading about love in the Bible, listening to Mumford & Son's...just enjoying the morning--my son comes up to me and whines for chocolate milk, and my other son whimpers and cries to be held. I get frustrated because it's all about ME. I wasn't patient, or kind. I was rude, I insisted on my own way. I did that--while reading about what love is. Yeah.

Last week, I hiked to the top of the tallest peak in New Mexico. Wheeler Peak has been on my mind since I remember my dad telling me about it when I was a boy. I remember hiking to the top and feeling an overwhelming feeling of love. I got a little emotional. It might have been the fatigue, and the thin air, but I was almost brought to tears. The natural beauty made me feel like I was loved. I wasn't thinking about God, I was mostly feeling pain in my lungs and legs. But once I got to the top, I forgot about the fact that I am grossly out of shape, and the feeling of pain was replaced with a huge nature-hug. I looked at the distant snow covered peaks, the clouds caressing my face, the alpine grasses and flowers. Nature was awesome, and I felt love. WTF?! I'm not the first to feel this. Many people before me, in different cultures and in different time periods have experienced nature and felt like they needed to worship. I felt it. I felt like God wanted to love me.

Love is powerful. I uploaded some images. These images remind me that I have love.

Above Me

Proverbs 16:1-4

The Lord has made everything for its purpose. God made the dirt for its purpose. God made bugs for their purpose. God made the clouds, water, Moon, Earth. God made me for my purpose. “Even the wicked for the day of trouble”.

This is where I can rebel and ask why God allows evil in the universe. My human brain asks why. God is all powerful, just make the evil go away. Make Earth perfect. Eliminate disease and pain. But, I’m not God, and this is a good thing. God’s wisdom is perfect and infinite. God’s ways are above my ways, his thoughts are above my thoughts. He has made everything for its purpose.

Even cancer? hunger? death? disease? hell?

What kind of purpose do these things need to accomplish?

Daddy?

Lindsey and I were talking about how our faith is weak. We spoke about how we don't see God in life today. A lot of Christians talk about how they see God "moving" in their lives. Or, they report of some spiritual experience that has left a mark on their life. We're Christians, we believe God exists. We believe in the Trinity and that Jesus is God as a man, and that man came and lived a perfect life, and he showered everyone he encountered with grace, and then he died to satisfy the balance of the universe. We believe that. We talk about it. But, lately our faith has been weak.

We're looking for signs. We want to see clear, evidence that God is with us, that He exists. Some would argue that there is none, and that's why they don't believe. Sometimes, I feel like God doesn't exist. It's interesting to think about it. My faith has never been my own. I was born into a house where Christianity was taught to me. Why would I question what my parents teach me? They teach me other important lessons in life. I shouldn't touch the stove, because it's hot. If I touch the stove, it will burn me. Or, stay away from ditches, etc. Children should trust their parents.

Religion is different. Religion is taught to children all over the world, and many children aren't taught Christianity. The parents believe their religion to be true, and the children believe the lessons to be true, and the cycle continues. So, what makes Christianity special? That's the question I ask myself all the time.

I don't want my faith to be fake.

I see this all the time. Fake faith. I pick on the United States, but it's true. I see fake faith everywhere. Faith that was just handed down from generation to generation. It has minor modifications as it's handed down, but it's basically just a copy of a copy. There's no genuine faith. Our faith seems to move as one, too. I mean, we collectively believe the same crap for specific topics. Our faith allows us to judge and even hate. I disagree with that faith.

This morning, Lindsey and I read a chapter out of the Bible. We read Isaiah 55. This chapter surprised me a bit. People always talk about how the God of the Old Testament is so much different from the God of the New Testament. Maybe that's true, but this chapter reminded me of something I would find in the New Testament. I read about a God with compassion. A God pleading for His people to come to Him. A God explaining why things are the way they are. A God being a Father to his children.

It was comforting in my waning faith. I understand the Father metaphor, because I myself am a father to two sons. My three year old can be super sweet at times, then other times I think he might be possessed by several demons. I was talking to Lindsey about this--I know what's best for Luke (my son). I will tell him to hold my hand while we're walking in a parking lot. Sometimes, he doesn't want to hold my hand. I know it's best for him and I will demand it, against Luke's will. I am his father, and there are some things that just have to be so that I can ensure his safety.

The same goes with me and God. There are situations I find myself in that I hate--I can't stand. When I'm in these situations I question God's existence. "Why the fuck would you allow me to be here, God? Why?!" These are probably similar thoughts that go through Luke's head when I'm demanding that he hold my hand. I know what's best. I have knowledge that is greater than Luke's.

This is kinda the gist of this chapter. God's coming to his people. He's requesting that his people come to him. verse 6-7 (ESV), "seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.". How crazy. The part that says "he will abundantly pardon". The chapter continues to talk about how God's ways are higher than ours, and his thoughts are higher than ours. v 11. "...it shall accomplish that which I purpose.".

This can be hard to swallow sometimes. And, there are people who are in real shitty situations. Are they in this situation to fulfill God's purpose? Do people die for that reason? I have questions, but then I remember that it says that God's thoughts are above mine. I don't think it's a cop out, but I think it's something to ponder more deeply.

Romans 11

Romans 11

In this chapter it seems that Paul is addressing salvation for Jews and gentiles. I might be wrong, but it seems that many people might have thought that Jews had special access to salvation. Maybe they thought that non-Jews, or gentiles just couldn’t be saved at all. He talks more about grace, first of all. He’s reminding people that works don’t do anything, it’s God’s grace to us that saves us. verse 6, “but if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace”.

He also talks about grafting branches as an illustration. He talks about branches being grafted onto an olive tree. He talks about branches being cut off, then being grafted again. He makes the illustration that it’s not the branches that makes the fruit, but the plant as a whole. It doesn’t matter where the branches come from.

I can see this applied today in a few different ways. One, we still have a tendency to exclude. We feel like some groups have a more direct access to God than others. I might sound unpatriotic. I’m not. I do see a Christianity that is perverted and whored about here in the good ol’ US of A. We have claimed Christianity for ourselves. There are missionaries that will visit other countries for a short period of time and they’ll help build churches, and they’ll train pastors and they will try to teach people from other countries and other cultures how to be a good American Christian.

Americans are very good of expecting people to meet us where we are. We will never meet people where they are. It’s the same for the people we find in our own country. The American Christian has become a big part of our identity as a country. The American Christian goes to church. He believes homosexuality is wrong, sex before marriage is a sin, abortion is wrong. The American Christian is most definitely a Republican. The American Christian thinks that the government shouldn’t show any help to our poor populations. The American Christian thinks that he is saved, and salvation belongs to him. The American Christian finds himself in the center of his own Universe, (which is only thousands of years old). The American Christian denies all sorts of scientific discovery because he feels that it might challenge his Bible. And, if you disagree with his world view, then you’re not welcome in his church, in his community, on his city council.

I’m not unpatriotic, I promise. I’m just writing down my personal observations. I feel like Americans find themselves as elite. We’re better. We’re special. We are the new chosen people. God favors us. I think this is the behavior that Paul was condemning in this chapter. I’m probably wrong, but that’s what I see. The Jews looked at themselves as entitled to salvation, and they got salvation by the works they did. Salvation is not owed to anyone. Salvation is a gift, and it’s not receive because of what you do. It’s because of grace. Grace is given to everyone, regardless of what flag you pledge allegiance to.

Long ride

Just rode my bike 17 miles. It was awesome. I got a goat head in my back tire at about mile 9 and I had to stop every so often to air up. Otherwise, great ride and gorgeous scenery!

Day 2

I want for a run. Two days in a row. I don't think I've done that in a while. I was still bad... It was day 2 though. I'm not going to be an awesome runner over night.

My legs and even my abs are sore from yesterday's run. Muscles that haven't been worked in too long.

I do want to find a better place to run. I've ran my fair share of neighborhoods in Albuquerque. Mine seems to be one of those that might have a stray pit bull or two. Oh we all know how sweet pit bulls are. I call pit billshit. Demon dogs. That's what I say.

Anyway, day 2. It's a start.

I'm a bum

I'm so out of shape and it's unacceptable. For the past 5 years I have been half-ass about my fat ass. I'm getting old and my health needs to be a priority.

So, I'm going to keep myself accountable here. I weigh 245 lbs. My target weight is 190 lbs. I just ran 2 miles and I'm more winded than I expected. I want to run daily and I'll post here when I do.

Social

I took a break from Facebook for almost an entire year. I know, I talk about Facebook way too much, but it's what's on my mind. Everyone's on Facebook, right? There's a lot of opinions flying around. It can become tiring. I try not to float my opinions in the mix, especially if it's just to piss someone off. I don't think people are just trying to piss other people off with their conflicting opinions. I mean, sometimes it seems like they are, but for the most part, I think people are just bored. 

Humans need validation. At least I do. I need to know that someone likes the picture I took, or that my kid is cute or whatever. I don't know why I need that... Well, maybe I do. Humans need community, and the internet is a good place to commune. We're all connected, digitally. 

We see someone's opinion that we disagree with, and we feel the need to post our opinion, passive aggressively, to oppose the people we disagree with. I say "we". Maybe, I mean "I". I don't know if there are others like me. I'll assume there are. What I see is my Facebook feed. Most of the active people on my Facebook feed are extreme left, or extreme right. It's not just Facebook, it's Twitter, too. Facebook is made up of mostly "real life" friends, and Twitter is just people I find interesting. Either way, it seems like the extreme left, or the extreme right post most. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say... I try to stay out of Facebook battles. I do think they can be healthy, though. We have never been able to discuss issues on such a scale ever before. Maybe I should engage more. Or maybe I shouldn't give a shit and just live my life. Should I express my ideas more? I don't know.

What I am going to do is enjoy my damn beer. Be a damn father to my son. Love my wife. And take in this beautiful overcast, rainy weather in Albuquerque today. 

Doubt

How is my faith verified? I asked myself this today. Where do I see God? I thought about it a little. I see God in music. I see God in music that was intentionally made to worship Him (Kings Kaleidoscope), but I also see God in music that was made by people who think God is a myth. I see God in nature. I see God in creation. I see God in the very little bit of science that I know. I see God in the love that's given to me, and the love I'm able to give to others.

Sometimes, my doubt comes up. That's normal, I think. I believe that Jesus is God because of the evidence that I have available to me. If Jesus didn't raise from the dead, could someone have proof of that? Well, we have it written down that he did raise from the dead, so I would think that there could be a documentation saying that those early Christians were full of shit. So, I believe. And since Christ raised from the dead, it's up to my to try my hardest to understand the writings of Paul. I'm half way joking on this, but seriously. Paul's writings in the New Testament are tough!

When I have doubt, I put on a song that I love.

America

Jesus damn me if I don't believe.
Jesus damn me if I was born in ancient China and I didn't know him.
Jesus damn me if I was born into a family in present day Iraq, and I worship a different idea of God.
Jesus damn me if was born in North America before the Europeans came.

Jesus died for the American.
We know Him.
Jesus is on our team.
Jesus bless our military.
Jesus bless our marines.
Jesus bless the USA.

Jesus damn the gays.
Jesus damn the Muslims.
Jesus bless me.
I'm an American.

Fire

Matthew 18:7-9

I recently read a book by Rob Bell called Love Wins. It’s super controversial and it completely challenged a lot of my ideas of what Hell is. Here (Matt 18), I read a passage where Jesus is talking about temptation, sin and Hell. He starts off by saying “Woe to the world for temptations to sin!”, then he continues saying that it’s necessary that temptations come. I’m using the English Standard Version of the Bible and it uses the word “Woe”. What the heck, we don’t use that word anymore! I have an idea what it means, but I had to look it up anyway. It’s basically saying, that it sucks to have temptation, but we don’t have a choice.

I wondered, first of all, why we have to have temptation. I kinda get it. We have to make the choice to do the right thing. And by doing the right thing, we show our love for God. We are Christ’s bride and He wants us to choose Him. By sinning we choose against Him, but we have the choice. That’s why temptation is here, I guess. The state of why things are the way they are bring a ton of questions, and when one question is sort of answered, then I get another question… So, God wants us to choose Him, and He loves us a lot. Why does God need to love us? Does God need anything? My goodness, my brain fills up with all sorts of questions and not a whole lot of answers. The framework makes a little sense to me, though. God created humans in His image, and here we are. He decided that we would have the choice to love Him or not love Him, and he decided that it would be better to make us than to not make us.

I just read a chapter in Proverbs today that applies to this, I think. Proverbs 8 is an interesting chapter. The author is speaking as if wisdom is speaking. Wisdom is talking about what it’s like to be her. Wisdom is given a female gender. This is one of my favorite proverbs because of how it’s written. Wisdom is there with God when the Universe was being created.

“22 “The Lord possessed me at the beginning of his work,

   the first of his acts of old.

23 Ages ago I was set up,

   at the first, before the beginning of the earth.

24 When there were no depths I was brought forth,

   when there were no springs abounding with water.

25 Before the mountains had been shaped,

   before the hills, I was brought forth,

26 before he had made the earth with its fields,

   or the first of the dust of the world.

27 When he established the heavens, I was there;

   when he drew a circle on the face of the deep,

28 when he made firm the skies above,

   when he established the fountains of the deep,

29 when he assigned to the sea its limit,

   so that the waters might not transgress his command,

when he marked out the foundations of the earth,

30     then I was beside him, like a master workman,

and I was daily his delight,

   rejoicing before him always,

31 rejoicing in his inhabited world

   and delighting in the children of man.”

So, God knew. God knew that some people would choose against Him. He also knew that some people would choose Him. What happens next? Well, Jesus then talks about sin. He talks about if your hand or foot causes you to sin, then to cut it off and throw it away. You’re better off with one hand or one foot than to have both limbs and to be thrown into “eternal fire”.

In the beginning of creation, God knew that there was a risk that someone He loves without limit would be “thrown into eternal fire”. This is super hard for me to swallow. God loves you so much, and if you reject Him, then it’s fire for you. True, you made the decision to reject God, but why an eternal fire? That sucks! Forever!

Before I was married, I was terrified of rejection. I didn’t want it at all. I was petrified. I would not even talk to women because of this fear. Let’s just say I did get some courage. Well, one time I did, and I ended up marrying her. But, what if Lindsey rejected me? I wouldn’t want her to burn for all of eternity. I would eventually get over it. I don’t get the eternal fire part here.

I’ve searched on this topic a little. I’ve read a book (Love Wins), and I’ve listened to some podcast episodes about it. People have different ideas of what Hell is. Some think that it’s not real, some think if you reject God, then you are just annihilated. Some think that there is something else that isn’t written, that maybe there’s a second chance, or a third, or a fourth chance. God will give you infinite chances until you finally get it and choose Him. Because, God is God, and God loves His creation, and He will eventually have you, it just might take Hell to convince you.

I don’t know. The language looks pretty plain here, and I know I’m on board for the overall picture of who Jesus is and who God is. Dang it, there are so many darn questions.

Advocate

1 John 1:8 - 2:2

If someone says they don’t have sin, then they’re lying themselves. That’s basically what it says in verse 8. Then there’s a formula: if we confess, then he will forgive us, then cleanse us, because he is faithful and he is just. It goes on to say that if we say we haven’t sinned, then we make God a liar and his word is not in us.

The author also says that he’s writing these things so that we won’t sin, but if we do, know that we have an advocate in Jesus Christ. Jesus is the propitiation for our sins, and not just our sins, but also for the sins of the whole world.

This is all very interesting to me… God calls us to do one thing: confess. If we confess, then He takes action. He will forgive us, then he’ll cleanse us. I want to connect the dots to what we were studying earlier with Adam and Eve. God called out their sin. “Where are you?” “Who gave you this fruit?” “Who told you that you were naked?” God just wants a confession, because God is just. God will even the scales of Justice. But, God is also faithful. He’ll forgive and then he’ll cleanse.

The next part of this passage is cool, too. The author says that he’s writing this so that you won’t sin...but if you do… I had to lol a little here, because we’re going to sin. And when we sin, Jesus Christ is our advocate to God the Father. God is just, and all the bad things we do require justice from God. I think it’s in our nature a little to require justice, too. But we have an advocate in Jesus.

This can start to sound a little weird. So, Jesus is God, and God the Father is God, and Jesus is an advocate to God for our sins. Weird. The trinity makes no sense, and I don’t think it should. I’m starting to read Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It’s about the Holy Spirit being the “forgotten God”. The Trinity blows me away…

Fruit

Gen 3:1-7

Here, the serpent approaches Eve and brings her attention to the tree that’s in the midst of the garden. The serpent asks a question. Did God tell you that you shall not eat of any tree in the garden? Eve responds, that they can eat of trees, but should keep away from the tree in the midst; if they touch it or eat it they would die. The serpent then corrects what they think about God and tell them that they will not die. He tells them that when they eat, their eyes will be opened and God knows this. Eve will be like God and will know good and evil.

So, she sees the fruit is “good for food” and “a delight to the eyes”, so she eats and she shares it with her husband. Their eyes were opened and they knew they were naked. They made clothes to cover themselves.

I have a few questions here. First of all, when did evil enter the Garden, and why did God allow this? The million dollar question I’m sure, but it would make sense if God just didn’t allow evil to enter. Also, why was there a “tree in the midst”, that was “good for food” and “a delight to the eyes” right in front of Adam and Eve? It seems that God set them up for failure. Then again, I’m not God, and I don’t know what the alternative would be. I wonder if these factors were in play because of free will and because God wants his creation to choose him. Adam and Eve had to make a choice. They had to decide to listen to what God tells them, or to not listen. They chose to not listen, and really I don’t blame them. I would have done the same. The fruit was probably magnificently beautiful, at least that’s how I imagine it. I don’t see the apple like a lot of the old paintings show. I think of a fruit that was maybe glowing in brilliant colors. I picture a much different Earth here, and I see an Earth pre-fall as beautiful beyond what I can imagine. I imagine this to be heaven. The fruit was probably impossible to resist.

Genesis is still a hard one for me. As a Christian, I was brought up to understand Genesis as a word for word exact account of actual history. I don’t think I have to look at it that way. I think I can see truths, but word for word actual history? Maybe not. But then again, maybe so. I think there are deeper points than reading Genesis as actual history.

Justice

Can I just apologize now? Lindsey tells me that when I write about what’s on my mind it’s kinda depressing. I’ll admit, it is. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m just down in the dumps all the time. I think I’m going through a crisis. To believe what I believe means that every decision I make is affected by my faith. If this whole Christianity thing is a crock of shit, then why believe it? Well, I don’t think it’s a crock of shit. I think Jesus was here. I think Jesus is still here. And I love Jesus. I think what’s happening is that I just want to know more about what I believe and I want to throw out what my culture says I’m supposed to be and, as best I can, develop a believe that’s genuine and means something to me. I want to keep my eyes open, and I will accept things that I agree with and I’ll reject those I don’t. I still want to be careful, though. I don’t want to wander too far from what Jesus set for us as an example.

Speaking of...someone who’s wandered. I’m reading Rob Bell’s Love Wins. I’m about halfway through, reading about what Bell thinks about Hell. There are some nice thoughts, and I think he has some great points. Not just on Hell, Heaven and judgment, but on a lot of things Christians consider “decided” subjects. Bell might be a wacko in the Christian community, but maybe we should consider what he has to say instead of just dismissing him. I’m not saying that I’m accepting every word he says, but I’ll consider them. Christian culture has formed how I believe up until now, and I think it’s good to challenge what it is that you think.

Anyway, I’m reading my Bible today and drinking a delicious Canteen Stout (formally Il Vaccino). It’s delicious beer and some good reading. Today, I’m reading Jeremiah 5. Here we see God’s thought process when considering justice toward his people, the Israelites. Now, I’m still trying to figure out how this was recorded. Did Jeremiah talk to God in person, just like we talk to each other? Did he have dreams? Was he under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms? Did he find some gold plates buried in North America? Did he seclude himself in a cave and hear from God there? I might have missed it if it was explained, but God is talking in the text.

Justice. He’s talking about how the Israelites are just terrible people, doing all sorts of bad things. In verses 28 and 29 it says, “They know no bounds of evil”, “they do not defend the rights of the needy”, “shall I not punish them for these things?” So, a couple of things, “they know no bounds of evil”. That’s intense. As humans, I think we’re all born with an internal moral compass. I think that if I were to grow up as a wolf man, secluded, and managed to keep my sanity, that I would know a general difference between evil and good. These people got to a point where to “knew no bounds”, everything was permitted. I could imagine what this was. Were they like the Mayans, sacrificing kids? Did they steal from each other? Did they kill? There’s probably an archaeologist that knows the answer to those questions. But I’m guessing that there was some evil crap happening. The verse continues saying “they do not defend the rights of the needy”. So, that’s important. And consistent with what God incarnate, Jesus, taught. Defend the rights of the needy. These people didn't do that. So God asks, shouldn't I punish these evil people?

I think the Old Testament God is often looked as a much different God as the New Testament God. He might be. I haven’t read enough of the Bible to tell the difference. I see here consistencies. I see a group of people that have run amok. I see a God who will deal with them, and he’s using Jeremiah to at least warn these fools, and point them back to God. But, God loves Justice, and will correct his people. I don’t think that punishment is bad. The scales need to be balanced many times.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. There might be more lessons here, but I’m going to finish my dang book. I also have a delicious stout to finish.

Whore Church. A Church for Whores.

Today, I read Jeremiah chapter 4. It kinda went in one ear and out the other. My reading comprehension is already just average at best, and this chapter was something that theologians probably spend hours dissecting. So, I'm not even going to try. It's a prophecy from Jeremiah, I think. It's talking about a lot of destruction and honestly, I don't know what it means. I'm also very tired... so there's that.

I'm trying to read the Bible every day, I'm trying to make sense of my faith. I've been listening to Unbelievable?, a podcast that explores all sorts of questions Christians should ask. (Thanks to Gio and Miranda for recommending the podcast.) I've also been listening to The Bad Christian Podcast--a podcast with guys from a band (Emery) that I've liked for years, and they talk in more of a hang-out conversation setting, and not as much of an academic or intellectual setting like Unbelievable. I like both podcast, because they talk about the stuff in Christianity that Christians don't want to talk about. Gay marriage, the Bible's validity, evolution and so on.

I've began to attend a mega church. My buddy Jon invited us, and we've been going since October or September. The teaching is good. It's Bible based. I don't feel that the church is judgmental and I feel that the church is about Jesus. We just started a community group, so I'm trying to get a feel of what the actual people that attend are like. I'm searching. I want Christianity, but I don't know what Christianity is for me. All my life I've been told what a Christian is. I don't like that Christian. But I do like Christ.

The other day, I was listening to the Bad Christian Podcast and they were talking with Donald Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz. He was talking about how he doesn't go to church at all, and that he doesn't feel like our idea of church is something that fits in his life. But, he still says he's a Christian and that he loves Jesus. Church and community to Donald Miller is something completely different than what I think church is. Church is a pastor greeting, announcements, three or four worship songs, tithes and offerings, a message from a pastor (that better not encroach on my damn lunch), and an alter call if the message was heavy, or just a closing prayer or closing song. We'll maybe "fellowship" for a minute or two, but I'm freaking hungry, and I don't want to hang around very long. I want to get on with my damn Sunday.

Honestly, it's not something I've ever thought about...church. What is it? I think it should be different. I think America has whored out church. I go to a mega church, and I feel warm and fuzzy most of the time when I walk out of those doors. I like the music, it's nice. I've only been to one community group meeting, but it was okay. The people were nice, we talked a bit about God.

Why can't church be a bicycle group that goes for a ride, then ends the ride at La Cumbre where we talk about Christ while enjoying a delicious IPA? Or a hiking club that worships God on top of a mountain. Or whatever. Why does church have to fit in our American idea of what church is? Well, I think the answer is that it doesn't. I think Donald Miller is on to something here.

I don't think I'll ever get there, though. What would my family do without church? Would I just wake up on Sunday (or any day) and make breakfast and love my wife and sons while talking about God? Do we have to worship with music? I do like worshiping with music, but most of the time it's by myself. I don't like the whole crowd involvement during worship. I don't clap, I don't sing, I just watch. And I feel guilty about that, because if you were to see me at an MxPx show, I would be moshing and drinking and singing at the top of my lungs. But I don't do that at church.