I’m typing a document on a Windows XP machine, using Microsoft Word 2003. This is kinda cool.
Today, I’ve been quite the grumpy jerk—especially to my wife. She’s been a trooper with me. I know she isn’t happy with me right now. Nobody should be, though. Anyway, moving on. I want to talk a little bit about why I’m grumpy. The first thing that comes to mind is envy.
I keep a blog to vent. I vent my feelings, and sometimes I tell too much. I’ll be honest, though. I struggle with envy. A lot of times I tell myself that I don’t struggle with envy. Or, maybe there are times when I am perfectly content. Today isn’t one of those days. I went to the grocery store to buy some groceries. I’m doing this thing now—or I should say WE are doing this thing now—where we purchase the things we need for the month on our credit cards, then we pay off what we spent at the end of the month.
Again. Being honest. There are months where we spend more than we make. I’m a teacher. I’m not rich. I’m not poor either. But, we struggle sometimes. Finances is a topic that brings our family stress. I know that other families that don’t struggle with the topic of finances deal with their own problems, too. Problems I might not deal with. So, I can’t be too whiney. There are times though, when I just wish… I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I could have something nice. Things. I wish for things. But, I hold back.
There are days when I tell myself “fuck it”. I’ll go to the dealership and buy a truck. I’ve wanted one for a while. I’m 34. There are people my age that are now saving. More is coming in than is going out. They have “success”. I’m driving the car I bought in college. Thing won’t die.
It’s wrong to feel that way. I think it is.
I’m reading a book by Timothy Keller right now called “Making Sense of God”. It talks about those things people look to for happiness. They never get it. Rich people are necessarily more “happy” than I am. I just think there are issues I don’t want to deal with.
There’s that. I got that out. I’m working on envy. I realize I’ve got a lot. I’ve got a family that cares. I’ve got a house. I’ve got food. I’ve got transportation. I’ve got more than I need. Now I know I need to work on contentment. And I realize that things are necessarily bad. Things are cool sometimes. But, there needs to be balance. Balance should dictate my decisions, I think. I’m not going to just quit my job because contentment. I’m also not going to claw my way to the top hurting everyone that gets in my way. I am going to work hard in my job. I am going to love my family around me. I am going to be happy I have a car and I’ll try not to complain about it, or literally start to hate someone I see that’s driving the truck I want.
Okay. I think I’m done here. I’m going to try and write more. I’m in my workshop right now. I just ran on the treadmill. I feel much better. Maybe I’ll write in my blog every time I run. That’s a good goal for 2018.
Now it’s time to apologize to my wife for being a jerk.
28 December 2017
01 October 2017
Clouds
I’m laying on the ground in my backyard. The concrete is cold, but it feels nice.
There’s a lot of anxiety in me right now. I’m worried about my tests. Will I pass? Can I even pay for them? I’m not sure. But today’s talk at church was encouraging. We can trust that Jesus is for us. He cares for us and our well being. That’s hard for me to swallow. It’s hard for me to have faith.
I’m thinking about copying out of my journal and pasting into my blog right now, so maybe I should explain where I’m coming from. Where the background is in the talk and so forth.
The talk. We’re in 1 Corinthians 10. Here’s what I remember: people lose faith because they doubt God is either great, or that God is good. I’ve doubted both at one time or another. Honestly, I’m having a hard time remembering it all. I can look through my notes, but I don’t feel like it.
Anxiety. I’ve wanted to have money for a long time. I don’t. It’s even embarrassing to say. People measure your success on how much money you have. That’s how it feels. There are some that don’t. But, our culture definitely cares. It cares about money a lot. I’ve been sucked into that. I’d love a big house. I’d love a 2018 Toyota Tacoma. iPhone X. International vacation. Those all sound awesome. Even just not having to worry about things.
I can say that I don’t have faith many times. In fact, this morning I had a thought: I might be one or two steps away from atheism. And I wondered if that was a bad thing. I think I’m further away than that. But, this morning that was my thought. If that’s true, I wouldn’t want to resist. If there is nothing but nature, I wouldn’t want to resist. If there is not a god, then I wouldn’t want to believe. Using logic is good…
I’m not there, though. I’m a Christian. I believe in things that aren’t logical. I believe in the supernatural. I believe God met humans as Jesus.
He did things, and said things that weren’t logical. He told us to love others, even those outside our tribe. That doesn’t make sense. Nature says to look out for yourself, and fight outsiders.
I’m thinking out loud. I don’t have it all together. Today’s talk was good. It strengthened my faith. I’m looking for balance. A balance between logic and faith.
In between sentences, I’m looking up at the sky. The clouds are moving around so gracefully. Whisper clouds breaking apart, then coming back together, on a background of blue sky. It’s beautiful.
Life is hard to understand. I have a drive to try to live right though. Treat others with respect. Show my children love, and teach them how to be good humans. I feel like that is important, and it’s consistent with my faith.
I’ll never have this figured out, and I imagine if I’m lucky to have 40 more years of life, my journals and blog will have the same sorts of struggling going on.
11 July 2017
Balance
I just googled "why do people choose to live in the desert". I'm trying to find out. I think I'm trying to justify my choice to remain where I am.
Recently, Lindsey and I visited her hometown, Portland, OR. I loved it. Linsey misses it. We were there only for a couple of days, but, it was enough to make us want to be there permanently. The Pacific Northwest seemed to be what we wanted, and everything we thought Albuquerque is not. Courteous drivers, cool weather, towering pines, a crime rate that's not out of control, and a community that cares about public education.
We decided to move. We were set, ready to go. Then we were smacked in the face with a healthy dose of reality. Housing costs. I like to say housing costs is why we didn't move, but it might be a little bit of my fear overtaking me. I don't know. There were a lot of reasons we decided to stay. Point being...we're still here.
Now, I'm googling things like "why do people choose to live in the desert". I'm trying to find the beauty of where I'm at. I've been exposed to a lot of ugly here, and my eyes are focused on that. People think we're crazy for staying. Some do, at least. Some people see the contrast of Albuquerque and some other city, and they move. They get tired and they move. We were almost those people. Almost.
I'm trying to be accepting. I'm trying to make the most of my location. My life. I'm trying to convince myself that Albuquerque is a great place... I've been a New Mexican in denial for a long time. People talk about the crime here a lot. I always stick up for us. My response is always a reminder that there's crime in every city, and Albuquerque isn't that bad. Then, my front door got kicked in in broad daylight and things were stolen. Another time, we got in our car to go to church finding a two liter bottle with a used needle in it. We forgot to lock our door one night and someone found an opportunity to shoot up in privacy.
There are drugs in our neighborhood. There is crime. Every night I feel a little uneasy that my house can be broken into. I think about what I would do if someone climbed into my house via my kids bedroom window. I imagine myself tackling an intruder and hitting them with any object I can find.
I don't like this feeling. I don't feel safe in my city. I felt safe in Portland.
I told Lindsey I feel like I have excitement hangover. Reality is setting in. I'm realizing that I'm here. I'm trying to make the best of it. I truly feel like I must be here for a reason. I have faith. Faith doesn't come naturally for me. I have to work at it.
I'm looking for beauty in our state. I know we have it. I've lived here all my life. There's beauty. I think the path I need to take is balance. I can't just look at the beauty and ignore the ugly. That's probably why we're in the place we are now. I'm a New Mexican in denial, and I'm sure there are more people like me. I think we need to confront the ugly head on. Do something about it. Still, stop and stare at the setting sunlight reflect off the Sandias every once in a while.
Recently, Lindsey and I visited her hometown, Portland, OR. I loved it. Linsey misses it. We were there only for a couple of days, but, it was enough to make us want to be there permanently. The Pacific Northwest seemed to be what we wanted, and everything we thought Albuquerque is not. Courteous drivers, cool weather, towering pines, a crime rate that's not out of control, and a community that cares about public education.
We decided to move. We were set, ready to go. Then we were smacked in the face with a healthy dose of reality. Housing costs. I like to say housing costs is why we didn't move, but it might be a little bit of my fear overtaking me. I don't know. There were a lot of reasons we decided to stay. Point being...we're still here.
Now, I'm googling things like "why do people choose to live in the desert". I'm trying to find the beauty of where I'm at. I've been exposed to a lot of ugly here, and my eyes are focused on that. People think we're crazy for staying. Some do, at least. Some people see the contrast of Albuquerque and some other city, and they move. They get tired and they move. We were almost those people. Almost.
I'm trying to be accepting. I'm trying to make the most of my location. My life. I'm trying to convince myself that Albuquerque is a great place... I've been a New Mexican in denial for a long time. People talk about the crime here a lot. I always stick up for us. My response is always a reminder that there's crime in every city, and Albuquerque isn't that bad. Then, my front door got kicked in in broad daylight and things were stolen. Another time, we got in our car to go to church finding a two liter bottle with a used needle in it. We forgot to lock our door one night and someone found an opportunity to shoot up in privacy.
There are drugs in our neighborhood. There is crime. Every night I feel a little uneasy that my house can be broken into. I think about what I would do if someone climbed into my house via my kids bedroom window. I imagine myself tackling an intruder and hitting them with any object I can find.
I don't like this feeling. I don't feel safe in my city. I felt safe in Portland.
I told Lindsey I feel like I have excitement hangover. Reality is setting in. I'm realizing that I'm here. I'm trying to make the best of it. I truly feel like I must be here for a reason. I have faith. Faith doesn't come naturally for me. I have to work at it.
I'm looking for beauty in our state. I know we have it. I've lived here all my life. There's beauty. I think the path I need to take is balance. I can't just look at the beauty and ignore the ugly. That's probably why we're in the place we are now. I'm a New Mexican in denial, and I'm sure there are more people like me. I think we need to confront the ugly head on. Do something about it. Still, stop and stare at the setting sunlight reflect off the Sandias every once in a while.
03 June 2017
Parenting vs. Podcast
Lindsey and I are recording a podcast! We're calling it "Parenting vs. Podcast".
I created a separate blog url for the podcast.
http://parentingvspodcast.blogspot.com/
I also submitted the podcast to iTunes. Hopefully, we'll see the podcast there soon.
I created a separate blog url for the podcast.
http://parentingvspodcast.blogspot.com/
I also submitted the podcast to iTunes. Hopefully, we'll see the podcast there soon.
31 May 2017
A Discussion on Sex and Christianity...(with interruptions from our kids)
We recorded a podcast with a ton of interruptions. We had fun doing it though. Have a listen!
28 May 2017
06 May 2017
24 March 2017
There. I Said It.
“For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness.
But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.”
1 Thessalonians 2:5, 7 ESV
http://bible.com/59/1th.2.5,7.esv
As I read this, I think of a couple of things. I think of Christians who actually did suffer to be Christians, and who are still suffering today. I wonder how strong my faith would be under pressure. I think my faith is under some sort of pressure. Nothing like the early church, or what it's like in non Christian countries. I'm not persecuted. I might be thought if as a bigot, or ignorant among some of my peers. But I also have people among my demographic that are outspoken. Academics like the Liturgists. Former screamo guys on BC Pod.
So, I'm not persecuted.
It's also easy for me to criticize the church while reading this. I think of mega churches. Is it up to me to criticize? I've got my own problems. I can choose not to attend a mega church...
It does make me feel uneasy. The way these churches operate. Thousands attend each Sunday. They pull in tons of money. I have no idea how much money is received. I don't remember Calvary publishing weekly giving amounts. Sagebrush did, I think. If I remember correctly, it was close to $1,000,000. I would venture to guess that Calvary receives more, because I would assume they have a larger congregation. I may be wrong though.
What does money have to do with things? What I read says that they didn't come with words of flattery. What motivates someone to flatter? Either they respect the other persons position of authority, or they're selling something. They said they didn't come with a pretext for greed.
I might be bitter. But I could never imagine Skip calling out his congregation. Like really calling them out. I couldn't imagine Skip putting out a message that would potentially repel a long time tither...a customer. I feel like megachurches, including Calvary look at Christians as customers. They feed them with nice things. A nice building. A comfortable environment. A feel good story. An entertaining worship service.
People walk away feeling good, but not really challenged in any way.
People give their 10%--pay their dues. Trust the church will do something nice with it, then go on their way. This was me at one point. Maybe even today.
Is it okay for these guys to profit. To have giant salaries. They started the church. People attended. What's the difference between a mega church pastor that started a church plant and a small business owner who found success?
Churches don't pay taxes. That's one. I think the mission of the church is to love in their community. When money is the mission, it's lost. When a church goer is a customer, and not a fellow follower of Christ, I think the mission is lost.
So, here you have it.
Mothers nursing. Talking to Lindsey, she's told me it's a very special experience nursing. I remember three instances that were very special. The first time she nursed each of our three kids. Her face was pure joy and happiness. A face full of love.
But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.”
1 Thessalonians 2:5, 7 ESV
http://bible.com/59/1th.2.5,7.esv
As I read this, I think of a couple of things. I think of Christians who actually did suffer to be Christians, and who are still suffering today. I wonder how strong my faith would be under pressure. I think my faith is under some sort of pressure. Nothing like the early church, or what it's like in non Christian countries. I'm not persecuted. I might be thought if as a bigot, or ignorant among some of my peers. But I also have people among my demographic that are outspoken. Academics like the Liturgists. Former screamo guys on BC Pod.
So, I'm not persecuted.
It's also easy for me to criticize the church while reading this. I think of mega churches. Is it up to me to criticize? I've got my own problems. I can choose not to attend a mega church...
It does make me feel uneasy. The way these churches operate. Thousands attend each Sunday. They pull in tons of money. I have no idea how much money is received. I don't remember Calvary publishing weekly giving amounts. Sagebrush did, I think. If I remember correctly, it was close to $1,000,000. I would venture to guess that Calvary receives more, because I would assume they have a larger congregation. I may be wrong though.
What does money have to do with things? What I read says that they didn't come with words of flattery. What motivates someone to flatter? Either they respect the other persons position of authority, or they're selling something. They said they didn't come with a pretext for greed.
I might be bitter. But I could never imagine Skip calling out his congregation. Like really calling them out. I couldn't imagine Skip putting out a message that would potentially repel a long time tither...a customer. I feel like megachurches, including Calvary look at Christians as customers. They feed them with nice things. A nice building. A comfortable environment. A feel good story. An entertaining worship service.
People walk away feeling good, but not really challenged in any way.
People give their 10%--pay their dues. Trust the church will do something nice with it, then go on their way. This was me at one point. Maybe even today.
Is it okay for these guys to profit. To have giant salaries. They started the church. People attended. What's the difference between a mega church pastor that started a church plant and a small business owner who found success?
Churches don't pay taxes. That's one. I think the mission of the church is to love in their community. When money is the mission, it's lost. When a church goer is a customer, and not a fellow follower of Christ, I think the mission is lost.
So, here you have it.
Mothers nursing. Talking to Lindsey, she's told me it's a very special experience nursing. I remember three instances that were very special. The first time she nursed each of our three kids. Her face was pure joy and happiness. A face full of love.
19 March 2017
Sunday Thoughts
“For they themselves report concerning us the kind of reception we had among you, and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus who delivers us from the wrath to come.”
1 Thessalonians 1:9-10 ESV
http://bible.com/59/1th.1.9-10.esv
The early church. I have a lot to learn, my attention is brought to it right now. I'm thinking about this verse here--or couple of verses, rather. They turned from idols to serve the living, true God. What did that look like? What was an idol for them back then?
I'll identify a few idols I have and what I think are idols in our culture today. First, I'd like to define "idol".
Google says:
i·dol
ˈīdl/
noun
noun: idol; plural noun: idols
an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship.
synonyms: icon, representation of a god, image, effigy, statue, figure, figurine, fetish, totem; More
graven image, false god, golden calf
"a throng of men gathered in worship of a golden idol"
a person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered.
"movie idol Robert Redford"
synonyms: hero, heroine, star, superstar, icon, celebrity; More
favorite, darling, pet, beloved;
informalpinup, heartthrob, dreamboat, golden boy/girl, Adonis, Greek god
"a teen idol"
Alright. The Greek origin says "form, shape". Not exactly what I thought it would be. So, I'll have to guess the Greeks were worshiping physical shapes. Images of gods. I don't do that, do I? I don't have physical shapes of gods in my house. What's a god? An object, person, deity worshiped. Basically what google says.
Okay. So what, or who do I worship? I claim to worship Jesus.
Last night, I was talking to Lindsey about my priorities. What's on my mind the most. For sure it's life. Life is getting my work done. Lesson planning. Reflecting on being s better teacher. It's school. My school. Completing work I need to do, well. It's keeping my head above water with all the events that require my attendance. It's making time in these busy times to relax. Play video games. Lay on the couch. Drink beer.
So. Life could be my idol, I suppose. I think a lot about all these things. All these thing cause me a great deal of stress. You know, keeping up. I worry. I stress. That's my idol.
What else? Technology, for sure. I think of tech as a fascination. But, it's in my mind for a large percentage of the day. I think about it. I admire it. I admire the way software looks. The way the case of a compute feels. Processor speeds, amount of cores. GPUs. RAM.
I can't help it. I'm interested. I'm not even an expert. I just think it's cool.
So, yes. Tech is an idol.
Alright. What are idols in our culture? I'd say owning a home. Our homes.
Man. It's hard to find a place to start. In America, anything could be worshiped. People. Houses. Cars. Tech. Money. Church. Your self. Pets. Movies. You name it. We have an abundance of stuff that's available to worship. And we do.
I'll revisit the verses now. Thessaloniki turned from those idols--I'm guessing images of Greek gods. They turned to Jesus. Or, was it the Hebrew God? Did the early church worship Jesus as God? Did they understand the trinity? Serious question.
Anyway. They turned from those idols and worshiped God.
In church today, we talked about pain, suffering, and questions we ask as humans. Pain and suffering is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. Especially if you believe in an all-powerful God. Logic says, if God's all-powerful, and all-loving, suffering shouldn't exists. Yet it does.
I've had a hard time with this.
There are still questions. A lot of them. Here are some things I'm confident in, though:
Nature is awesome. Detail abounds. From the atoms arranged in our bodies, to the stars and planets in Space. Nature is awesome.
Love exists. I love so much. We love so much. It could be a function of evolution, which is fine with me. But, it exists. Love is an incredible force. We need to be social. We have to be together. Loving each other. Sharing meals with each other. Love exists.
Then, there's humans. We realize live exists. And we can observe how fucked up this world is. Even thinking about Albuquerque. Drug addiction. Homelessness. Selfishness. It rules our community. Our community is super broken, it's apparent.
It's apparent it needs to be fixed. The gospel says Jesus fixed it. The gospel says Jesus suffered to end suffering. I've heard it a thousand times. I don't understand it completely. But gospel. God himself fixed it.
This needs more explaining. Jesus suffered to end suffering. How does this work? I can put things together. The Universe is complex. This doesn't mean it was created, necessarily. But, it exists. And that alone is crazy to me. I appreciate it. That's crazy to me, too.
Are there cosmic rules I just don't understand? Is this where my logic should take over and I should ditch this idea altogether? A lot of people would say yes. What's holding me back are the things I've already talked about. Love. Community. Nature.
I'll keep searching.
1 Thessalonians 1:9-10 ESV
http://bible.com/59/1th.1.9-10.esv
The early church. I have a lot to learn, my attention is brought to it right now. I'm thinking about this verse here--or couple of verses, rather. They turned from idols to serve the living, true God. What did that look like? What was an idol for them back then?
I'll identify a few idols I have and what I think are idols in our culture today. First, I'd like to define "idol".
Google says:
i·dol
ˈīdl/
noun
noun: idol; plural noun: idols
an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship.
synonyms: icon, representation of a god, image, effigy, statue, figure, figurine, fetish, totem; More
graven image, false god, golden calf
"a throng of men gathered in worship of a golden idol"
a person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered.
"movie idol Robert Redford"
synonyms: hero, heroine, star, superstar, icon, celebrity; More
favorite, darling, pet, beloved;
informalpinup, heartthrob, dreamboat, golden boy/girl, Adonis, Greek god
"a teen idol"
Alright. The Greek origin says "form, shape". Not exactly what I thought it would be. So, I'll have to guess the Greeks were worshiping physical shapes. Images of gods. I don't do that, do I? I don't have physical shapes of gods in my house. What's a god? An object, person, deity worshiped. Basically what google says.
Okay. So what, or who do I worship? I claim to worship Jesus.
Last night, I was talking to Lindsey about my priorities. What's on my mind the most. For sure it's life. Life is getting my work done. Lesson planning. Reflecting on being s better teacher. It's school. My school. Completing work I need to do, well. It's keeping my head above water with all the events that require my attendance. It's making time in these busy times to relax. Play video games. Lay on the couch. Drink beer.
So. Life could be my idol, I suppose. I think a lot about all these things. All these thing cause me a great deal of stress. You know, keeping up. I worry. I stress. That's my idol.
What else? Technology, for sure. I think of tech as a fascination. But, it's in my mind for a large percentage of the day. I think about it. I admire it. I admire the way software looks. The way the case of a compute feels. Processor speeds, amount of cores. GPUs. RAM.
I can't help it. I'm interested. I'm not even an expert. I just think it's cool.
So, yes. Tech is an idol.
Alright. What are idols in our culture? I'd say owning a home. Our homes.
Man. It's hard to find a place to start. In America, anything could be worshiped. People. Houses. Cars. Tech. Money. Church. Your self. Pets. Movies. You name it. We have an abundance of stuff that's available to worship. And we do.
I'll revisit the verses now. Thessaloniki turned from those idols--I'm guessing images of Greek gods. They turned to Jesus. Or, was it the Hebrew God? Did the early church worship Jesus as God? Did they understand the trinity? Serious question.
Anyway. They turned from those idols and worshiped God.
In church today, we talked about pain, suffering, and questions we ask as humans. Pain and suffering is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. Especially if you believe in an all-powerful God. Logic says, if God's all-powerful, and all-loving, suffering shouldn't exists. Yet it does.
I've had a hard time with this.
There are still questions. A lot of them. Here are some things I'm confident in, though:
Nature is awesome. Detail abounds. From the atoms arranged in our bodies, to the stars and planets in Space. Nature is awesome.
Love exists. I love so much. We love so much. It could be a function of evolution, which is fine with me. But, it exists. Love is an incredible force. We need to be social. We have to be together. Loving each other. Sharing meals with each other. Love exists.
Then, there's humans. We realize live exists. And we can observe how fucked up this world is. Even thinking about Albuquerque. Drug addiction. Homelessness. Selfishness. It rules our community. Our community is super broken, it's apparent.
It's apparent it needs to be fixed. The gospel says Jesus fixed it. The gospel says Jesus suffered to end suffering. I've heard it a thousand times. I don't understand it completely. But gospel. God himself fixed it.
This needs more explaining. Jesus suffered to end suffering. How does this work? I can put things together. The Universe is complex. This doesn't mean it was created, necessarily. But, it exists. And that alone is crazy to me. I appreciate it. That's crazy to me, too.
Are there cosmic rules I just don't understand? Is this where my logic should take over and I should ditch this idea altogether? A lot of people would say yes. What's holding me back are the things I've already talked about. Love. Community. Nature.
I'll keep searching.
14 March 2017
Exhale
Okay. Here I am. I feel like pressure is hitting me from all directions. I should be doing work, but I feel like I need this for mental health. Some things on my mind include: commuting on my bike, domain 1, CNM, selling our house...faith. This is all on my mind and it's all overwhelming me. It's hard for me to sort out everything that needs to be done and make a plan to accomplish those things.
I would say I do have a priority list that's already made up in my mind. I'd say that CNM is number one. I'm going to CNM to get my teaching license. Right now, I'm teaching under an internship license, and I'll have to apply for my full license when I'm finished with the CNM program. There's one problem. My lesson planning class. I've turned in three lesson plans and it turns out they don't align completely. I took the professor's comments and applied them to my work, and I'm still missing something. I'm stressing out. I'll be meeting with her soon, so I hope she'll help clarify what she's expecting, and help me identify what I'm doing wrong. I'll feel much better when that class is sorted out.
Next, is my bike. I would say this is a misplaced priority, but I can't help but think about it. I want to commute to work on my bike. I save money. I get much needed exercise. But, I'm also terrified I'll be hit again. Right. Again. Yesterday, a driver took a right turn in front of me and we collided. I spilled off my bike onto her trunk. It wasn't bad. But, what if it was worse? It could have been worse. I see ghost bikes all around town. Lots of people are distracted while they drive. They are doing so many things. Life is overwhelming to many other people, too. I know how they feel. I know how they feel it's important to call Comcast while they drive to sort out the bill they were overcharged on. Or, they're talking to their spouse to organize child care for an event they're going to. Or, they're laughing with a friend over text messaging. Or, they're changing a song. Closing a sale over text. Organizing a meeting with coworkers on the phone. You name it. People do it while they drive. It doesn't make me feel good while I'm on my bike.
It was hard for me to gather the motivation to get on my bike in the first place. Driving my car to work is much easier than riding my bike. Especially during the winter months. But, now I'm here. Motivated. Used to it. Getting exercise. I feel like I shouldn't anymore. I feel like a worse collision could happen based on what I know about drivers. There's conflict there in my mind. I'm battling with it now, and it's adding to my stress load.
Work. Domain 1 is what I'm thinking about now, and what I should probably be doing now instead of writing here. I have to provide examples of my lesson plans, unit plans, knowledge of content, etc. The PED wants to know that I'm a competent teacher--which is fine.
Faith. This is a low priority for me. It just is. I don't know why. I want to be a good person. I want to be a person that cares for people. I want to be a person that makes a difference in my community, that puts my self aside. That's what my faith teaches me... I could talk more about what's on my mind there. I guess I think Christianity in our culture has been on my mind. The Christianity I grew up with, I want nothing to do with. I have no interest in closing myself off to everyone. Isolating myself and alienating everyone else. I don't want music, TV shows, and movies made for Christians. I don't want that. I don't want to express to the world everything I'm against, instead of letting them know what I'm for.
Facebook. Right? I see things posted that I grew up agreeing with. Like this image:
Or, family members of mine expressing their frustration in Target for their stance on bathrooms and transgender people using them. Boycotting Disney for portraying a gay character in a movie.
That's not me. But that's them. That's where I came from. It's okay for them to be them. And it's okay for me to be me. Right? I can still love my family. I can still respect evangelical Christians who I'm beginning to disagree with more and more. I feel like God designed me to be more than what my religion says I am. I'm not a robot. I have a brain. I can think for myself. I can read and interpret and apply information to the real world. I don't have to be a republican if I don't want to be a republican. I can hate "God's Not Dead" and the "Newsboys" because it's terrible art (in my opinion). I can! I can say I'll choose to love a transgender person, because they are people.
So, there's that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel bruised and battered emotionally and physically, and after yesterday, I'm physically bruised. I just had to write it out. Think about it as it goes from my brain, to the keyboard, to the screen in front of me. I'm not sure if I'll ride my bike tomorrow, but I do know I'm going to drink a nice, dark, local beer here in a few minutes.
I would say I do have a priority list that's already made up in my mind. I'd say that CNM is number one. I'm going to CNM to get my teaching license. Right now, I'm teaching under an internship license, and I'll have to apply for my full license when I'm finished with the CNM program. There's one problem. My lesson planning class. I've turned in three lesson plans and it turns out they don't align completely. I took the professor's comments and applied them to my work, and I'm still missing something. I'm stressing out. I'll be meeting with her soon, so I hope she'll help clarify what she's expecting, and help me identify what I'm doing wrong. I'll feel much better when that class is sorted out.
Next, is my bike. I would say this is a misplaced priority, but I can't help but think about it. I want to commute to work on my bike. I save money. I get much needed exercise. But, I'm also terrified I'll be hit again. Right. Again. Yesterday, a driver took a right turn in front of me and we collided. I spilled off my bike onto her trunk. It wasn't bad. But, what if it was worse? It could have been worse. I see ghost bikes all around town. Lots of people are distracted while they drive. They are doing so many things. Life is overwhelming to many other people, too. I know how they feel. I know how they feel it's important to call Comcast while they drive to sort out the bill they were overcharged on. Or, they're talking to their spouse to organize child care for an event they're going to. Or, they're laughing with a friend over text messaging. Or, they're changing a song. Closing a sale over text. Organizing a meeting with coworkers on the phone. You name it. People do it while they drive. It doesn't make me feel good while I'm on my bike.
It was hard for me to gather the motivation to get on my bike in the first place. Driving my car to work is much easier than riding my bike. Especially during the winter months. But, now I'm here. Motivated. Used to it. Getting exercise. I feel like I shouldn't anymore. I feel like a worse collision could happen based on what I know about drivers. There's conflict there in my mind. I'm battling with it now, and it's adding to my stress load.
Work. Domain 1 is what I'm thinking about now, and what I should probably be doing now instead of writing here. I have to provide examples of my lesson plans, unit plans, knowledge of content, etc. The PED wants to know that I'm a competent teacher--which is fine.
Faith. This is a low priority for me. It just is. I don't know why. I want to be a good person. I want to be a person that cares for people. I want to be a person that makes a difference in my community, that puts my self aside. That's what my faith teaches me... I could talk more about what's on my mind there. I guess I think Christianity in our culture has been on my mind. The Christianity I grew up with, I want nothing to do with. I have no interest in closing myself off to everyone. Isolating myself and alienating everyone else. I don't want music, TV shows, and movies made for Christians. I don't want that. I don't want to express to the world everything I'm against, instead of letting them know what I'm for.
Facebook. Right? I see things posted that I grew up agreeing with. Like this image:
Or, family members of mine expressing their frustration in Target for their stance on bathrooms and transgender people using them. Boycotting Disney for portraying a gay character in a movie.
That's not me. But that's them. That's where I came from. It's okay for them to be them. And it's okay for me to be me. Right? I can still love my family. I can still respect evangelical Christians who I'm beginning to disagree with more and more. I feel like God designed me to be more than what my religion says I am. I'm not a robot. I have a brain. I can think for myself. I can read and interpret and apply information to the real world. I don't have to be a republican if I don't want to be a republican. I can hate "God's Not Dead" and the "Newsboys" because it's terrible art (in my opinion). I can! I can say I'll choose to love a transgender person, because they are people.
So, there's that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel bruised and battered emotionally and physically, and after yesterday, I'm physically bruised. I just had to write it out. Think about it as it goes from my brain, to the keyboard, to the screen in front of me. I'm not sure if I'll ride my bike tomorrow, but I do know I'm going to drink a nice, dark, local beer here in a few minutes.
01 February 2017
Hey, Neighbor!
Our church is focusing our attention on how to be a good neighbor. We're using Matthew 22 as a point of reference. Jesus said to "love your God" and to "love your neighbor". So, we talked about this last night at some friend's house. We're looking at our "neighbor" as it literally is--the person or family that lives next door to us. We talked about how we can love those people.
It was really hard for me to think about ways I could love my neighbor. Even now... I'm blind to it. I don't know how. We talked about how it's simpler than we think. We also remembered good neighbors in our past. I remembered Tony.
Tony was a man that lived next to us in Santa Fe when I was growing up. Tony was old. I think he was in his 90s. He was born at the end of the 19th century, which I thought was really cool. He sat on a bench, that I think he made, outside of his front door. He sat there in the evening. Summer evenings in Santa Fe are pretty awesome. And he sat there, on his bench, next to a lilac bush. To this day, my favorite smelling flower is the one on lilac bushes.
He would sit there, and enjoy the evening. When I was outside playing, sometimes I would see Tony sitting. I would get excited and run over to him. I would say, "hi, Tony". When he heard my voice, he would get a really big smile. I was curious. I wondered why his eyes were gray. I wondered why he couldn't see. He would tell me what Santa Fe was like when he was young. I liked to visit Tony.
I think Tony loved his neighbors. I think he sat next to his front door because he hoped someone would come by and talk to him.
I think I can try to be more like Tony. Albuquerque isn't a friendly city. Or, maybe I'm not a friendly person.
We talked about how our city could change if we knew our neighbors. If we really cared about them.
It was really hard for me to think about ways I could love my neighbor. Even now... I'm blind to it. I don't know how. We talked about how it's simpler than we think. We also remembered good neighbors in our past. I remembered Tony.
Tony was a man that lived next to us in Santa Fe when I was growing up. Tony was old. I think he was in his 90s. He was born at the end of the 19th century, which I thought was really cool. He sat on a bench, that I think he made, outside of his front door. He sat there in the evening. Summer evenings in Santa Fe are pretty awesome. And he sat there, on his bench, next to a lilac bush. To this day, my favorite smelling flower is the one on lilac bushes.
He would sit there, and enjoy the evening. When I was outside playing, sometimes I would see Tony sitting. I would get excited and run over to him. I would say, "hi, Tony". When he heard my voice, he would get a really big smile. I was curious. I wondered why his eyes were gray. I wondered why he couldn't see. He would tell me what Santa Fe was like when he was young. I liked to visit Tony.
I think Tony loved his neighbors. I think he sat next to his front door because he hoped someone would come by and talk to him.
I think I can try to be more like Tony. Albuquerque isn't a friendly city. Or, maybe I'm not a friendly person.
We talked about how our city could change if we knew our neighbors. If we really cared about them.
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