Exhale

Okay. Here I am. I feel like pressure is hitting me from all directions. I should be doing work, but I feel like I need this for mental health. Some things on my mind include: commuting on my bike, domain 1, CNM, selling our house...faith. This is all on my mind and it's all overwhelming me. It's hard for me to sort out everything that needs to be done and make a plan to accomplish those things.

I would say I do have a priority list that's already made up in my mind. I'd say that CNM is number one. I'm going to CNM to get my teaching license. Right now, I'm teaching under an internship license, and I'll have to apply for my full license when I'm finished with the CNM program. There's one problem. My lesson planning class. I've turned in three lesson plans and it turns out they don't align completely. I took the professor's comments and applied them to my work, and I'm still missing something. I'm stressing out. I'll be meeting with her soon, so I hope she'll help clarify what she's expecting, and help me identify what I'm doing wrong. I'll feel much better when that class is sorted out.

Next, is my bike. I would say this is a misplaced priority, but I can't help but think about it. I want to commute to work on my bike. I save money. I get much needed exercise. But, I'm also terrified I'll be hit again. Right. Again. Yesterday, a driver took a right turn in front of me and we collided. I spilled off my bike onto her trunk. It wasn't bad. But, what if it was worse? It could have been worse. I see ghost bikes all around town. Lots of people are distracted while they drive. They are doing so many things. Life is overwhelming to many other people, too. I know how they feel. I know how they feel it's important to call Comcast while they drive to sort out the bill they were overcharged on. Or, they're talking to their spouse to organize child care for an event they're going to. Or, they're laughing with a friend over text messaging. Or, they're changing a song. Closing a sale over text. Organizing a meeting with coworkers on the phone. You name it. People do it while they drive. It doesn't make me feel good while I'm on my bike.

It was hard for me to gather the motivation to get on my bike in the first place. Driving my car to work is much easier than riding my bike. Especially during the winter months. But, now I'm here. Motivated. Used to it. Getting exercise. I feel like I shouldn't anymore. I feel like a worse collision could happen based on what I know about drivers. There's conflict there in my mind. I'm battling with it now, and it's adding to my stress load.

Work. Domain 1 is what I'm thinking about now, and what I should probably be doing now instead of writing here. I have to provide examples of my lesson plans, unit plans, knowledge of content, etc. The PED wants to know that I'm a competent teacher--which is fine.

Faith. This is a low priority for me. It just is. I don't know why. I want to be a good person. I want to be a person that cares for people. I want to be a person that makes a difference in my community, that puts my self aside. That's what my faith teaches me... I could talk more about what's on my mind there. I guess I think Christianity in our culture has been on my mind. The Christianity I grew up with, I want nothing to do with. I have no interest in closing myself off to everyone. Isolating myself and alienating everyone else. I don't want music, TV shows, and movies made for Christians. I don't want that. I don't want to express to the world everything I'm against, instead of letting them know what I'm for.

Facebook. Right? I see things posted that I grew up agreeing with. Like this image:



Or, family members of mine expressing their frustration in Target for their stance on bathrooms and transgender people using them. Boycotting Disney for portraying a gay character in a movie.

That's not me. But that's them. That's where I came from. It's okay for them to be them. And it's okay for me to be me. Right? I can still love my family. I can still respect evangelical Christians who I'm beginning to disagree with more and more. I feel like God designed me to be more than what my religion says I am. I'm not a robot. I have a brain. I can think for myself. I can read and interpret and apply information to the real world. I don't have to be a republican if I don't want to be a republican. I can hate "God's Not Dead" and the "Newsboys" because it's terrible art (in my opinion). I can! I can say I'll choose to love a transgender person, because they are people.

So, there's that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel bruised and battered emotionally and physically, and after yesterday, I'm physically bruised. I just had to write it out. Think about it as it goes from my brain, to the keyboard, to the screen in front of me. I'm not sure if I'll ride my bike tomorrow, but I do know I'm going to drink a nice, dark, local beer here in a few minutes.

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