01 October 2017

Clouds

I’m laying on the ground in my backyard. The concrete is cold, but it feels nice.

There’s a lot of anxiety in me right now. I’m worried about my tests. Will I pass? Can I even pay for them? I’m not sure. But today’s talk at church was encouraging. We can trust that Jesus is for us. He cares for us and our well being. That’s hard for me to swallow. It’s hard for me to have faith.
I’m thinking about copying out of my journal and pasting into my blog right now, so maybe I should explain where I’m coming from. Where the background is in the talk and so forth.
The talk. We’re in 1 Corinthians 10. Here’s what I remember: people lose faith because they doubt God is either great, or that God is good. I’ve doubted both at one time or another. Honestly, I’m having a hard time remembering it all. I can look through my notes, but I don’t feel like it.
Anxiety. I’ve wanted to have money for a long time. I don’t. It’s even embarrassing to say. People measure your success on how much money you have. That’s how it feels. There are some that don’t. But, our culture definitely cares. It cares about money a lot. I’ve been sucked into that. I’d love a big house. I’d love a 2018 Toyota Tacoma. iPhone X. International vacation. Those all sound awesome. Even just not having to worry about things.
I can say that I don’t have faith many times. In fact, this morning I had a thought: I might be one or two steps away from atheism. And I wondered if that was a bad thing. I think I’m further away than that. But, this morning that was my thought. If that’s true, I wouldn’t want to resist. If there is nothing but nature, I wouldn’t want to resist. If there is not a god, then I wouldn’t want to believe. Using logic is good…
I’m not there, though. I’m a Christian. I believe in things that aren’t logical. I believe in the supernatural. I believe God met humans as Jesus.
He did things, and said things that weren’t logical. He told us to love others, even those outside our tribe. That doesn’t make sense. Nature says to look out for yourself, and fight outsiders. 
I’m thinking out loud. I don’t have it all together. Today’s talk was good. It strengthened my faith. I’m looking for balance. A balance between logic and faith.
In between sentences, I’m looking up at the sky. The clouds are moving around so gracefully. Whisper clouds breaking apart, then coming back together, on a background of blue sky. It’s beautiful.
Life is hard to understand. I have a drive to try to live right though. Treat others with respect. Show my children love, and teach them how to be good humans. I feel like that is important, and it’s consistent with my faith.
I’ll never have this figured out, and I imagine if I’m lucky to have 40 more years of life, my journals and blog will have the same sorts of struggling going on.

11 July 2017

Balance

I just googled "why do people choose to live in the desert". I'm trying to find out. I think I'm trying to justify my choice to remain where I am.

Recently, Lindsey and I visited her hometown, Portland, OR. I loved it. Linsey misses it. We were there only for a couple of days, but, it was enough to make us want to be there permanently. The Pacific Northwest seemed to be what we wanted, and everything we thought Albuquerque is not. Courteous drivers, cool weather, towering pines, a crime rate that's not out of control, and a community that cares about public education.

We decided to move. We were set, ready to go. Then we were smacked in the face with a healthy dose of reality. Housing costs. I like to say housing costs is why we didn't move, but it might be a little bit of my fear overtaking me. I don't know. There were a lot of reasons we decided to stay. Point being...we're still here.

Now, I'm googling things like "why do people choose to live in the desert". I'm trying to find the beauty of where I'm at. I've been exposed to a lot of ugly here, and my eyes are focused on that. People think we're crazy for staying. Some do, at least. Some people see the contrast of Albuquerque and some other city, and they move. They get tired and they move. We were almost those people. Almost.

I'm trying to be accepting. I'm trying to make the most of my location. My life. I'm trying to convince myself that Albuquerque is a great place... I've been a New Mexican in denial for a long time. People talk about the crime here a lot. I always stick up for us. My response is always a reminder that there's crime in every city, and Albuquerque isn't that bad. Then, my front door got kicked in in broad daylight and things were stolen. Another time, we got in our car to go to church finding a two liter bottle with a used needle in it. We forgot to lock our door one night and someone found an opportunity to shoot up in privacy.

There are drugs in our neighborhood. There is crime. Every night I feel a little uneasy that my house can be broken into. I think about what I would do if someone climbed into my house via my kids bedroom window. I imagine myself tackling an intruder and hitting them with any object I can find.

I don't like this feeling. I don't feel safe in my city. I felt safe in Portland.

I told Lindsey I feel like I have excitement hangover. Reality is setting in. I'm realizing that I'm here. I'm trying to make the best of it. I truly feel like I must be here for a reason. I have faith. Faith doesn't come naturally for me. I have to work at it.

I'm looking for beauty in our state. I know we have it. I've lived here all my life. There's beauty. I think the path I need to take is balance. I can't just look at the beauty and ignore the ugly. That's probably why we're in the place we are now. I'm a New Mexican in denial, and I'm sure there are more people like me. I think we need to confront the ugly head on. Do something about it. Still, stop and stare at the setting sunlight reflect off the Sandias every once in a while.

03 June 2017

Parenting vs. Podcast

Lindsey and I are recording a podcast! We're calling it "Parenting vs. Podcast".

I created a separate blog url for the podcast.

http://parentingvspodcast.blogspot.com/


I also submitted the podcast to iTunes. Hopefully, we'll see the podcast there soon.





Peace...No Peace

Lindsey and I discuss pop music, hate groups, and brains.



31 May 2017

28 May 2017

Kids, Marriage, Oregon

Lindsey and I had a discussion on kids, marriage, and our trip to Oregon.



06 May 2017

Clouds

I’m laying on the ground in my backyard. The concrete is cold, but it feels nice. There’s a lot of anxiety in me right now. I’m worried a...