I set a goal, and I'm finishing it here. I had a few goals I wrote down here.
My blog post. What do I write? I don't have much on my mind. I just paid bills. That was great.
Bills. Budgets. Things. Lindsey and I had a conversation last night. I was pretty bummed out about those things. I had this feeling. A feeling of entitlement. I felt like I was entitled to a better car than I have. Maybe a Honda Civic si, or a Toyota 4Runner. I felt like I was entitled to a better house, one in a better neighborhood. I felt like I was entitled to more things. I just felt entitled.
Then I felt envious, a bit. I thought about other people and imagined what their salaries are. I imagined salaries much, much higher than mine is. I compared myself to them. I wondered if they're better than I am, more motivated, smarter, more handsome, better interviewers...just better at life. Or, I asked myself if I was just worse. Below average. They're normal, I'm the one that's bad at life.
There were thoughts I didn't like. And, I told Lindsey, "I'm sick and tired of this". She was strong. She talked to me about how enough is what we have. We have enough. Crazy. I just thought about what our pastor was talking about on Sunday. Maybe it was this last Sunday, maybe it was the Sunday before. He mentioned something about poverty, and that the opposite of poverty isn't wealth. The opposite of poverty is enough. People in poverty and deprived in some ways, and people who are prosperous are deprived in others. The opposite is enough...
I went off on a tangent. I was talking about my conversation with Lindsey. We talked about how we had enough. I see it. Our bills are paid. There's not much left, but our bills are paid.
I had more to say, but I got distracted. I think I was going to talk about minimalism. Yeah, I was going to mention minimalism. So, there's this podcast I listen to occasionally called Don't Feed the Trolls. There's an episode where they interviewed Jon Shneck (formally Relient K). He was talking about minimalism. When they were discussing this...movement, it sounded very appealing to me. I'm talking about this because I think it has a lot to do with my envy and my worry about money. There's so much crap I don't need or don't use. I want to investigate minimalism more.
That's all I've got for now. Perhaps I'll take some pictures this next week and post them here. Probably not though.
23 December 2016
22 December 2016
Coffee Made Me Do It
I'm really pushing myself to post this right now. I set a goal four days ago, that I would write in this blog every day this week. I've done so. But, it's hard.
So, I wouldn't be true to the theme of this blog if I didn't post something completely worthless. I have this weird OCD where I can't unplug my devices from charging unless they're fully charged. It's supper weird, but I can't. I shouldn't say, "can't". I just unplugged this MacBook Pro and it was 96%.
I like tech. Too much. I'm weird.
A couple other things. I was thinking about the blog post I posted yesterday. I said the f-word. You know... because it was on my mind. Language is weird to me. I shared my blog on Facebook. My mother in law in on there, my father in law, too. People in my community group, people that go to my church. What will they think about me? I'm talking about doubt and I said a cuss word.
I should worry about what people think about me, right? Well, maybe not worry. Worry sounds like that's all I think about. Maybe a better word would be "concerned"..."cognizant". Maybe not. Maybe I should just life. Maybe I should just say what I want on my blog, but be prepared for consequences.
I was also thinking about my blog post for other reasons. I shared it on Facebook. I usually don't do that. I felt like that post was appropriate, though. After I posted it, I immediately began to think about what other people would think about me. Would they see my spelling errors? Would they see my grammar errors? What about the way I think? Would I be judged? I care about what people think about me more than I thought. Maybe I should stop wasting brain power on that. At least not as much brain power.
--
I continued in my book. The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. This chapter, chapter 7, I think, was about faith. By the way, I might be completely misinterpreting this book. What I saw, though, was Tozer explaining that faith comes from seeing, and he started talking about seeing God, keeping your gaze focused on God. So, faith isn't from seeing with your eyes, your physical eyes, but by keeping your focus on God every day, so thinking about God and meditating on who he is.
The chapter didn't ease any of my questions about what faith is or how to have more of it. I guess if all of your thoughts are on God, then you'll likely have more faith. But, this could be said of any religion or philosophy. If I'm thinking constantly about how I'll inherit a planet and have countless wives for me to populate that planet, sooner or later, I'll believe that. Or, any religious belief. I think every religion requires faith, what makes faith within Christianity different?
So, I wouldn't be true to the theme of this blog if I didn't post something completely worthless. I have this weird OCD where I can't unplug my devices from charging unless they're fully charged. It's supper weird, but I can't. I shouldn't say, "can't". I just unplugged this MacBook Pro and it was 96%.
I like tech. Too much. I'm weird.
A couple other things. I was thinking about the blog post I posted yesterday. I said the f-word. You know... because it was on my mind. Language is weird to me. I shared my blog on Facebook. My mother in law in on there, my father in law, too. People in my community group, people that go to my church. What will they think about me? I'm talking about doubt and I said a cuss word.
I should worry about what people think about me, right? Well, maybe not worry. Worry sounds like that's all I think about. Maybe a better word would be "concerned"..."cognizant". Maybe not. Maybe I should just life. Maybe I should just say what I want on my blog, but be prepared for consequences.
I was also thinking about my blog post for other reasons. I shared it on Facebook. I usually don't do that. I felt like that post was appropriate, though. After I posted it, I immediately began to think about what other people would think about me. Would they see my spelling errors? Would they see my grammar errors? What about the way I think? Would I be judged? I care about what people think about me more than I thought. Maybe I should stop wasting brain power on that. At least not as much brain power.
--
I continued in my book. The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. This chapter, chapter 7, I think, was about faith. By the way, I might be completely misinterpreting this book. What I saw, though, was Tozer explaining that faith comes from seeing, and he started talking about seeing God, keeping your gaze focused on God. So, faith isn't from seeing with your eyes, your physical eyes, but by keeping your focus on God every day, so thinking about God and meditating on who he is.
The chapter didn't ease any of my questions about what faith is or how to have more of it. I guess if all of your thoughts are on God, then you'll likely have more faith. But, this could be said of any religion or philosophy. If I'm thinking constantly about how I'll inherit a planet and have countless wives for me to populate that planet, sooner or later, I'll believe that. Or, any religious belief. I think every religion requires faith, what makes faith within Christianity different?
21 December 2016
Faith
Day three of writing in my blog. Worthless information, I know. Well, perhaps when I'm long gone, bones left, my kids and their kids will find this bit of information valuable.
In fact, that's usually who I look at as my audience when I write here. Curiously, most of my hits on this blog have been from Russia. Don't know what's up with that. Anyway, I'm still talking to my kids and their kids.
It's a good day to write. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of hanging out with my nephew (7) in addition to hanging out with my two sons and daughter (0.5-4). It was a bit hectic to say the least. My thoughts weren't gathered, a bit scattered. Today, I think my thoughts are more settled. Gathered. Plus, I'm drinking a beer, and I'm enjoying it. My mood is...chirpy(?). Optimistic, maybe. I don't know.
Speaking of beer. My diet crashed and burned yesterday. Hard. There were no survivors. Here's a screen shot of my calorie counter app:
My goal was to adhere to a low-carb diet--kietogenic. You can see, breakfast and lunch were fine, but then 3pm rolled around and I ate that piece of chocolate cake that was in my fridge. Then we went to our friends house and they served us lasagna. It was at that point I said in my head "fuck it". I didn't say it out loud, mostly because there were kids around... Zohan, the potty mouth, diet cheater!
So yeah, bad me. It's really hard for me to stick anything. I have intentions, then I last 24 hours at most. I did stick this kietogenic diet for a few months a while back, and I lost some serious poundage. I think I posted my line graph in a previous blog. So, I know it works. But...I love bread and beer so much. I'll ride my bike to work so my heart is healthy at least.
Enough on my diet. On to theology.
I didn't even read my book today. I was discouraged by that passage I read yesterday. I felt like it was saying screw your questions, just have faith. That's not me. I feel like I'm a naturally questioning person. I feel like I need an explanation for everything. I also have had the opportunity to see three young humans question everything about their environment. The more they question, the more they discover--and the questioning and discovery doesn't end. They just move on to the next question and discovery.
I have three kids, so I'll give three examples. Luke, my four year old, is discovering human nature. Our house was broken into a few months back. Now, he's asking questions why some people do bad things. Why can't they be kind? He asks. He watches the news with us every morning, he sees the children of Aleppo displaced, bombed, hurt, and orphaned, and he has compassion. He's learning. He's got him mommy's heart.
Riley. He's my 1.5 year old. He doesn't care for toys, but he's very much in tune with his senses of sight, touch, and taste. He sees something, walks to it, touches it, and looks at it closer, then he'll put it in his mouth. It's hard to keep up with this boy, but he's my explorer.
Juliette is very new to Earth. She arrived 0.5 years ago. All of her senses are super important to her. She's taking in tons of information every day. The pitch of our voices, the taste of her milk, the sound of her toys, the temperature of her room. Everything is new, and new humans are curious. She's discovering more at this stage, I think, than she will at any other stage of her life. Even gravity is new to her.
We're curious. So, in this book, for Mr. Tozer to tell me I should just have faith, and avoid a "self-centered" questioning approach to life, made me feel a little bit like an Atheist. I'm not an Atheist. I'm a Christian. I call myself a Christian. And I feel like our discoveries bring us closer to our creator. The complexities of our universe and our bodies put me in a state of wonder--awe. Nature. I go into nature, and I say "God is Here". But, it's beautiful. My brain takes in light, I see colors. Think about all that we've discovered just about that! Light from the Sun travels to Earth, strikes a pine needle, every color absorbed, except green--my eye takes in that light that's reflected, translates it, flips it. I see green. Add on that, I smell the aroma the forest puts out, I feel the cool air on my face, I hear wind passing through branches, broken up by the occasional tapping of a woodpecker, and chirps of birds. My brain takes in that raw information, and an emotion is triggered. An emotion that makes me feel that this was meant for me. This was made for me. And I feel the words, "I Am here". Emotion overtakes me, and I feel like I need to fall to the ground and worship.
I'm not the only person that's felt this. People, all over, on every continent, from every point in time, have felt this feeling. I feel like God is everywhere, in everything. And God is speaking. He's saying, "I'm here".
Isn't that what we like to hear, as humans? I'm here. I'm with you. When my daughter is crying, the first thing I do is pick her up, and I say, "I'm here, baby". When I'm in the forest, I feel like that's what God is telling me. "I'm here. You're my son. Don't be afraid."
My faith wavers. I'll ask questions. I'll be a skeptic, sometimes even a cynic. But, for me, God shows up in life.
In fact, that's usually who I look at as my audience when I write here. Curiously, most of my hits on this blog have been from Russia. Don't know what's up with that. Anyway, I'm still talking to my kids and their kids.
It's a good day to write. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of hanging out with my nephew (7) in addition to hanging out with my two sons and daughter (0.5-4). It was a bit hectic to say the least. My thoughts weren't gathered, a bit scattered. Today, I think my thoughts are more settled. Gathered. Plus, I'm drinking a beer, and I'm enjoying it. My mood is...chirpy(?). Optimistic, maybe. I don't know.
Speaking of beer. My diet crashed and burned yesterday. Hard. There were no survivors. Here's a screen shot of my calorie counter app:
So yeah, bad me. It's really hard for me to stick anything. I have intentions, then I last 24 hours at most. I did stick this kietogenic diet for a few months a while back, and I lost some serious poundage. I think I posted my line graph in a previous blog. So, I know it works. But...I love bread and beer so much. I'll ride my bike to work so my heart is healthy at least.
Enough on my diet. On to theology.
I didn't even read my book today. I was discouraged by that passage I read yesterday. I felt like it was saying screw your questions, just have faith. That's not me. I feel like I'm a naturally questioning person. I feel like I need an explanation for everything. I also have had the opportunity to see three young humans question everything about their environment. The more they question, the more they discover--and the questioning and discovery doesn't end. They just move on to the next question and discovery.
I have three kids, so I'll give three examples. Luke, my four year old, is discovering human nature. Our house was broken into a few months back. Now, he's asking questions why some people do bad things. Why can't they be kind? He asks. He watches the news with us every morning, he sees the children of Aleppo displaced, bombed, hurt, and orphaned, and he has compassion. He's learning. He's got him mommy's heart.
Riley. He's my 1.5 year old. He doesn't care for toys, but he's very much in tune with his senses of sight, touch, and taste. He sees something, walks to it, touches it, and looks at it closer, then he'll put it in his mouth. It's hard to keep up with this boy, but he's my explorer.
Juliette is very new to Earth. She arrived 0.5 years ago. All of her senses are super important to her. She's taking in tons of information every day. The pitch of our voices, the taste of her milk, the sound of her toys, the temperature of her room. Everything is new, and new humans are curious. She's discovering more at this stage, I think, than she will at any other stage of her life. Even gravity is new to her.
We're curious. So, in this book, for Mr. Tozer to tell me I should just have faith, and avoid a "self-centered" questioning approach to life, made me feel a little bit like an Atheist. I'm not an Atheist. I'm a Christian. I call myself a Christian. And I feel like our discoveries bring us closer to our creator. The complexities of our universe and our bodies put me in a state of wonder--awe. Nature. I go into nature, and I say "God is Here". But, it's beautiful. My brain takes in light, I see colors. Think about all that we've discovered just about that! Light from the Sun travels to Earth, strikes a pine needle, every color absorbed, except green--my eye takes in that light that's reflected, translates it, flips it. I see green. Add on that, I smell the aroma the forest puts out, I feel the cool air on my face, I hear wind passing through branches, broken up by the occasional tapping of a woodpecker, and chirps of birds. My brain takes in that raw information, and an emotion is triggered. An emotion that makes me feel that this was meant for me. This was made for me. And I feel the words, "I Am here". Emotion overtakes me, and I feel like I need to fall to the ground and worship.
I'm not the only person that's felt this. People, all over, on every continent, from every point in time, have felt this feeling. I feel like God is everywhere, in everything. And God is speaking. He's saying, "I'm here".
Isn't that what we like to hear, as humans? I'm here. I'm with you. When my daughter is crying, the first thing I do is pick her up, and I say, "I'm here, baby". When I'm in the forest, I feel like that's what God is telling me. "I'm here. You're my son. Don't be afraid."
My faith wavers. I'll ask questions. I'll be a skeptic, sometimes even a cynic. But, for me, God shows up in life.
20 December 2016
Aleppo, Tozer
Last night, Lindsey and I watched the "Year in Search" video. I hope Lindsey doesn't mind me sharing this story, but she started to cry around fifteen seconds in. It was an image of the boy in Aleppo. He's sitting in a medical setting, dust all over his body, his face has blood on it. He wipes his face with his hand, then looks at the blood on his hand. He's not crying, he just looks confused.
It touched Lindsey for a few reasons. First, this is something that's happening. People. Children. They're being bombed. Inside, we say, "this isn't right". People shouldn't have to suffer like this. Second, Lindsey found it incredibly wrong that this image was passed by, forgotten, put in an advertisement for Google search...
I think I understand Lindsey, too. I understand she hurts for people. She has compassion. She doesn't want to see this child suffer. The Google video made this child a part of an advertisement. It used our sense of compassion to make a product more appealing. If we're feeling emotion while we watch a video, we're more likely to use the product.
I held her for a while, we talked about the situation in Aleppo. We talked about how we love our kids, and no child should have to go through this tragedy.
And just like the video, I'm going to move on. Children are still orphaned, hurt, dying, or dead, and I'm moving on. I feel guilt. Like I have the capability of doing something and I'm not doing it. That image hurts me. What if that was my boy? I'd find a way to Syria and I would hug my boy, I'd tell him he's safe. I'm not doing that, though. I guess I need to think more about what's important in life.
I don't even want to talk about what else I was on my mind. I will anyway.
I'm reading this book The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. I don't know anything about the book, and just what I read on wikipedia about the author. I don't know if people think it's a good book, or a bad one. I guess that's good. I'm trying to form my own opinion. It was a free book, and at the very least, it's getting me to think about my faith.
I just finished chapter 7. Tozer talks about God's voice. Here's a paragraph that made me think:
“When God spoke out of heaven to our Lord, self-centered men who heard it explained it by natural causes: They said, it thundered. This habit of explaining the voice by appeals to natural law is at the very root of modern science. In the living, breathing cosmos, there is a mysterious something, too wonderful, too awful for any mind to understand. The believing man does not claim to understand. He falls to his knees and whispers, “God.” The man of earth kneels also, but not to worship. He kneels to examine, to search, to find the cause and the how of things.”
To me, it sounds like he's saying science is a self-centered approach to understanding the world. We should accept beauty around us as God's voice and leave it at that. I can't go along with that. I agree, the Universe is mysterious, and full of wonder, but the more we find out about it makes God more real to me. I feel like God's leaving us secrets in the Universe, and every time we find out a new secret, it points to God. The secrets are God's voice. Maybe. Just thinking out loud. There's so much to our Universe, and many unanswered questions...
I could write more, but I'm tired of writing.
19 December 2016
Disorganization
Two blog posts in one day. How about that? Well, it's winter break. I've got a bit more time on my hands. I've got the kids and Lindsey is at her first day of work. I'm balancing time between cleaning, spending quality time with the young humans, and reflecting in reading and writing. So far, it's alright.
I want to talk about this blog. Most of the time, when I write, it's in a journal--either an electronic journal (Journey on my laptop/desktop, DayOne on my iPad/iPhone), or a physical journal. My physical journal is a leather bound, black, journal. It's like a Moleskin, but not as nice. It's just about filled. I have a little over a year's worth of entries in that bad boy... I'll stop talking about journals.
What I'm trying to say is that if I've got something on my mind, I usually write it down in a journal, not a blog. I think I've been trying for a while to define what a blog is and what a journal is. My conclusion is that a journal is a reflection of things that are deep on your mind, things that you won't say out in the open. A blog is information that's worth sharing. Blog's I've seen are writings on life, spirituality, religion, or tech. These are things that other's find are valuable. Things that I find valuable. I don't think my blog is that. I don't think my blog holds value for anyone other than me.
But, my blog is on the internet, and I'm posting it here because I don't mind if someone reads it. It is a bit unnerving that it's here, out in the open. It's easy to find if you know me. I have the link on my Twitter profile... I guess if you're looking, you'll find my blog. There's a lot on the internet, and for someone to find my blog, even friends, is a long shot.
Alright, get to the point.
My point, again... I guess I don't have a point. Maybe I'm just wasting time.
I had one thought. It's about faith, of course. Most of my posts nowadays are on faith.
I tend to be a logical thinker. Like, I need evidence to validate an idea. There are some things that I don't have evidence for--a virgin birth of Jesus, a literal flood, a young Earth, Heaven, Hell.
What does this mean? Do I discard all of those ideas immediately because I don't have evidence? I think a lot of people would say very easily, "yes". I think there's much more to it. There's much more to life, I think. Consciousness. The Universe. Laws of nature. I'll write those things again.
Consciousness.
The Universe.
Laws of Nature.
How can these be explained? There must be an explanation? Right?
This is where faith comes in. Sometimes there's just faith. Sometimes things can't be explained. My brain says "no" to that. My brain says that faith isn't needed. Ask a question, gather data, come up with an idea or prediction, test the prediction, collect and analyze that information, and come to a conclusion. Ugh!!!!
I can't come to the virgin birth with the scientific method. I mean, I can, but then my faith is gone. So, what's keeping me in faith? Why am I a Christian? Why do I have faith. I have some, otherwise I wouldn't be wrestling with this.
I'm a Christian. Because. I'm a Christian because I was born in the United States of America. The odds were good for me to be a Christian. But, what about now? I've thought about the odds, and I'm still a Christian. What makes Christianity real for me? I see truth in Jesus' teachings. But, is that it? What does the whole of Christianity say? What does it boil down to?
I think it boils down to a population of humans that have deficits in love and surpluses in selfishness. I guess you can say that's evolutionary. We have to look out for ourselves if we want our genes to go on. But, for some reason, I have compassion. How can compassion be explained? Someone, in some other country, is suffering in Syria, and I feel like I should do something. I feel hurt for them
I have more questions than answers right now. I'll think on these things and I'll write again tomorrow. Hopefully my thoughts will be more organized then.
I want to talk about this blog. Most of the time, when I write, it's in a journal--either an electronic journal (Journey on my laptop/desktop, DayOne on my iPad/iPhone), or a physical journal. My physical journal is a leather bound, black, journal. It's like a Moleskin, but not as nice. It's just about filled. I have a little over a year's worth of entries in that bad boy... I'll stop talking about journals.
What I'm trying to say is that if I've got something on my mind, I usually write it down in a journal, not a blog. I think I've been trying for a while to define what a blog is and what a journal is. My conclusion is that a journal is a reflection of things that are deep on your mind, things that you won't say out in the open. A blog is information that's worth sharing. Blog's I've seen are writings on life, spirituality, religion, or tech. These are things that other's find are valuable. Things that I find valuable. I don't think my blog is that. I don't think my blog holds value for anyone other than me.
But, my blog is on the internet, and I'm posting it here because I don't mind if someone reads it. It is a bit unnerving that it's here, out in the open. It's easy to find if you know me. I have the link on my Twitter profile... I guess if you're looking, you'll find my blog. There's a lot on the internet, and for someone to find my blog, even friends, is a long shot.
Alright, get to the point.
My point, again... I guess I don't have a point. Maybe I'm just wasting time.
I had one thought. It's about faith, of course. Most of my posts nowadays are on faith.
I tend to be a logical thinker. Like, I need evidence to validate an idea. There are some things that I don't have evidence for--a virgin birth of Jesus, a literal flood, a young Earth, Heaven, Hell.
What does this mean? Do I discard all of those ideas immediately because I don't have evidence? I think a lot of people would say very easily, "yes". I think there's much more to it. There's much more to life, I think. Consciousness. The Universe. Laws of nature. I'll write those things again.
Consciousness.
The Universe.
Laws of Nature.
How can these be explained? There must be an explanation? Right?
This is where faith comes in. Sometimes there's just faith. Sometimes things can't be explained. My brain says "no" to that. My brain says that faith isn't needed. Ask a question, gather data, come up with an idea or prediction, test the prediction, collect and analyze that information, and come to a conclusion. Ugh!!!!
I can't come to the virgin birth with the scientific method. I mean, I can, but then my faith is gone. So, what's keeping me in faith? Why am I a Christian? Why do I have faith. I have some, otherwise I wouldn't be wrestling with this.
I'm a Christian. Because. I'm a Christian because I was born in the United States of America. The odds were good for me to be a Christian. But, what about now? I've thought about the odds, and I'm still a Christian. What makes Christianity real for me? I see truth in Jesus' teachings. But, is that it? What does the whole of Christianity say? What does it boil down to?
I think it boils down to a population of humans that have deficits in love and surpluses in selfishness. I guess you can say that's evolutionary. We have to look out for ourselves if we want our genes to go on. But, for some reason, I have compassion. How can compassion be explained? Someone, in some other country, is suffering in Syria, and I feel like I should do something. I feel hurt for them
I have more questions than answers right now. I'll think on these things and I'll write again tomorrow. Hopefully my thoughts will be more organized then.
Goals
It's winter break! I have a couple of goals over the break. They may be difficult, but I'll try my best to achieve them.
I'm not one to number, but I'll do that here.
1. Read at least a page of a book each day.
2. Write a blog post every day.
3. Take a photo each day.
4. Adhere to my ketogenic diet.
I'll write more when the kids are napping. :)
I'm not one to number, but I'll do that here.
1. Read at least a page of a book each day.
2. Write a blog post every day.
3. Take a photo each day.
4. Adhere to my ketogenic diet.
I'll write more when the kids are napping. :)
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