21 December 2016


Day three of writing in my blog. Worthless information, I know. Well, perhaps when I'm long gone, bones left, my kids and their kids will find this bit of information valuable.

In fact, that's usually who I look at as my audience when I write here. Curiously, most of my hits on this blog have been from Russia. Don't know what's up with that. Anyway, I'm still talking to my kids and their kids.

It's a good day to write. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of hanging out with my nephew (7) in addition to hanging out with my two sons and daughter (0.5-4). It was a bit hectic to say the least. My thoughts weren't gathered, a bit scattered. Today, I think my thoughts are more settled. Gathered. Plus, I'm drinking a beer, and I'm enjoying it. My mood is...chirpy(?). Optimistic, maybe. I don't know.

Speaking of beer. My diet crashed and burned yesterday. Hard. There were no survivors. Here's a screen shot of my calorie counter app:

My goal was to adhere to a low-carb diet--kietogenic. You can see, breakfast and lunch were fine, but then 3pm rolled around and I ate that piece of chocolate cake that was in my fridge. Then we went to our friends house and they served us lasagna. It was at that point I said in my head "fuck it". I didn't say it out loud, mostly because there were kids around... Zohan, the potty mouth, diet cheater!

So yeah, bad me. It's really hard for me to stick anything. I have intentions, then I last 24 hours at most. I did stick this kietogenic diet for a few months a while back, and I lost some serious poundage. I think I posted my line graph in a previous blog. So, I know it works. But...I love bread and beer so much. I'll ride my bike to work so my heart is healthy at least.

Enough on my diet. On to theology.

I didn't even read my book today. I was discouraged by that passage I read yesterday. I felt like it was saying screw your questions, just have faith. That's not me. I feel like I'm a naturally questioning person. I feel like I need an explanation for everything. I also have had the opportunity to see three young humans question everything about their environment. The more they question, the more they discover--and the questioning and discovery doesn't end. They just move on to the next question and discovery.

I have three kids, so I'll give three examples. Luke, my four year old, is discovering human nature. Our house was broken into a few months back. Now, he's asking questions why some people do bad things. Why can't they be kind? He asks. He watches the news with us every morning, he sees the children of Aleppo displaced, bombed, hurt, and orphaned, and he has compassion. He's learning. He's got him mommy's heart.

Riley. He's my 1.5 year old. He doesn't care for toys, but he's very much in tune with his senses of sight, touch, and taste. He sees something, walks to it, touches it, and looks at it closer, then he'll put it in his mouth. It's hard to keep up with this boy, but he's my explorer.

Juliette is very new to Earth. She arrived 0.5 years ago. All of her senses are super important to her. She's taking in tons of information every day. The pitch of our voices, the taste of her milk, the sound of her toys, the temperature of her room. Everything is new, and new humans are curious. She's discovering more at this stage, I think, than she will at any other stage of her life. Even gravity is new to her.

We're curious. So, in this book, for Mr. Tozer to tell me I should just have faith, and avoid a "self-centered" questioning approach to life, made me feel a little bit like an Atheist. I'm not an Atheist. I'm a Christian. I call myself a Christian. And I feel like our discoveries bring us closer to our creator. The complexities of our universe and our bodies put me in a state of wonder--awe. Nature. I go into nature, and I say "God is Here". But, it's beautiful. My brain takes in light, I see colors. Think about all that we've discovered just about that! Light from the Sun travels to Earth, strikes a pine needle, every color absorbed, except green--my eye takes in that light that's reflected, translates it, flips it. I see green. Add on that, I smell the aroma the forest puts out, I feel the cool air on my face, I hear wind passing through branches, broken up by the occasional tapping of a woodpecker, and chirps of birds. My brain takes in that raw information, and an emotion is triggered. An emotion that makes me feel that this was meant for me. This was made for me. And I feel the words, "I Am here". Emotion overtakes me, and I feel like I need to fall to the ground and worship.

I'm not the only person that's felt this. People, all over, on every continent, from every point in time, have felt this feeling. I feel like God is everywhere, in everything. And God is speaking. He's saying, "I'm here".

Isn't that what we like to hear, as humans? I'm here. I'm with you. When my daughter is crying, the first thing I do is pick her up, and I say, "I'm here, baby". When I'm in the forest, I feel like that's what God is telling me. "I'm here. You're my son. Don't be afraid."

My faith wavers. I'll ask questions. I'll be a skeptic, sometimes even a cynic. But, for me, God shows up in life.
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