Infinity

I figure I'll write here more. I've been writing in my private, physical journal. I feel like the digital world is calling me. Maybe I've been watching too much Black Mirror. Whatever. I'll still write in my private journal, but apps are cool. Tech is cool, and if I feel like sharing my thoughts, I can do that easily. So, there ya have it.

This morning, I read the Bible. Not the whole thing. Just a few chapters of a New Testament book. I read the 5th and 6th chapter of Romans. The entire book is interesting to me. I grew up reading this through a lens that was given to me. I remember being told that I need to witness to my friends at school and I need to take them down the "Roman Road". The church handed out literature with instructions on how to "lead someone to Christ".

I don't have fond memories of the pressure that was placed on me. I didn't want to "witness". But, I'm not here to talk about my sour memories of the church. I'm reading new things, and I'm seeing some beautiful things.

Chapter five, verse eight says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us". I thought that was really beautiful.

I mentioned in our podcast that I didn't want to have a half assed faith anymore. My faith is super half assed. I thought to myself, I should either really grab hold of my faith, or just have no faith at all. For the longest time, I felt like a phony, because I had an inherited faith. Since I was nine, my parents took my to an evangelical church. And there are so many problems with the church, and that's how it is because its run by flawed humans. But what's grabbing a hold of me are what appears to be laws of the universe. Not natural laws. But these things I'm observing about the nature of Jesus.

While I was still a sinner. Unworthy. Christ died for me. He loved me that much. He died for me. Now, I know it's just something written in a book, by a man. As I think on this... there's a tug of war. I deal with doubt. Wondering if Christ was a real person. If Christ was God. If Christ's physical body was dead and he rose again. There are questions. But I think more, and I watch more YouTube videos, and I read books, and I listen to Podcasts (mostly secular, scientific). There are mysteries in the universe. The Universe is vast. Laws exists that planets have to obey. The scale of things blows my mind. From quarks to nebula, and all the detail in between. Existence. Consciousness. Love. And when I think about all of this, I read that the God that made this all happen loves me...

It's all hard to understand for me. I'm trying. Supernatural things are hard for me. Faith is hard for me. I feel like the more I learn, though. I can deal.