Envy

I’m typing a document on a Windows XP machine, using Microsoft Word 2003. This is kinda cool.

Today, I’ve been quite the grumpy jerk—especially to my wife. She’s been a trooper with me. I know she isn’t happy with me right now. Nobody should be, though. Anyway, moving on. I want to talk a little bit about why I’m grumpy. The first thing that comes to mind is envy.

I keep a blog to vent. I vent my feelings, and sometimes I tell too much. I’ll be honest, though. I struggle with envy. A lot of times I tell myself that I don’t struggle with envy. Or, maybe there are times when I am perfectly content. Today isn’t one of those days. I went to the grocery store to buy some groceries. I’m doing this thing now—or I should say WE are doing this thing now—where we purchase the things we need for the month on our credit cards, then we pay off what we spent at the end of the month.

Again. Being honest. There are months where we spend more than we make. I’m a teacher. I’m not rich. I’m not poor either. But, we struggle sometimes. Finances is a topic that brings our family stress. I know that other families that don’t struggle with the topic of finances deal with their own problems, too. Problems I might not deal with. So, I can’t be too whiney. There are times though, when I just wish… I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I could have something nice. Things. I wish for things. But, I hold back.

There are days when I tell myself “fuck it”. I’ll go to the dealership and buy a truck. I’ve wanted one for a while. I’m 34. There are people my age that are now saving. More is coming in than is going out. They have “success”. I’m driving the car I bought in college. Thing won’t die.

It’s wrong to feel that way. I think it is.

I’m reading a book by Timothy Keller right now called “Making Sense of God”. It talks about those things people look to for happiness. They never get it. Rich people are necessarily more “happy” than I am. I just think there are issues I don’t want to deal with.

There’s that. I got that out. I’m working on envy. I realize I’ve got a lot. I’ve got a family that cares. I’ve got a house. I’ve got food. I’ve got transportation. I’ve got more than I need. Now I know I need to work on contentment. And I realize that things are necessarily bad. Things are cool sometimes. But, there needs to be balance. Balance should dictate my decisions, I think. I’m not going to just quit my job because contentment. I’m also not going to claw my way to the top hurting everyone that gets in my way. I am going to work hard in my job. I am going to love my family around me. I am going to be happy I have a car and I’ll try not to complain about it, or literally start to hate someone I see that’s driving the truck I want.

Okay. I think I’m done here. I’m going to try and write more. I’m in my workshop right now. I just ran on the treadmill. I feel much better. Maybe I’ll write in my blog every time I run. That’s a good goal for 2018.

Now it’s time to apologize to my wife for being a jerk.