Exhale

Christ was born about this time about 2,000 years ago. Well, I guess we don't know when He was born. Us Christians celebrate His birth this time of year though. It's my favorite time of year, hands down. I have always loved Christmas. It's insane for sure, though. Shopping. Planning Christmas events, then there's just trying to take it all in. I like to soak up every bit of Christmas I can. This year, we went to the River of Lights, which was awesome. We went to a Christmas Eve church service at Sagebrush Community Church. We had Christmas morning breakfast at Lindsey's parent's house, then we had some more food and opened presents at my parent's house. Christmas was chaotic. Still, I'm glad I didn't have to work.

Work... There's a crap-ton of stuff that I'm worrying about. Work's one of them. I just want to be able to enjoy life. Time is flying by so fast. I feel that I'm in turbo mode and the months are just going just as fast as they came. Slow down. I need to slow down. I want to slow down. I'm worried about advancing my career. I'm thinking about being a good man to my wife and son (soon to be two sons).

Writing is a way for me to slow down. My writing sucks, but it's always been a source of therapy for me. I used to have a sketch book that I used to journal my thoughts onto. There were no sketches, just my scribblings of that was happening in my life at that time. I think I threw those journals away because most of the writings I had where about who I was crushing on at the time, now I'm married and I felt that those writings are useless in my life now. Anyway, writing feels good to me. I can take a breath and just exhale words.

Here's an exhale. Today, I went to church at Sagebrush. I met Jon and Amanda there. We studied Judges 6 and 7 today, the story of Gideon. Gideon was chosen by God to do great things. It's so crazy, because Gideon had so much doubt in this story. I can relate to that so much. God had a plan for Gideon, but Gideon questioned God over and over in this chapter. In the first part of the story, "an angel of the Lord" appeared to Gideon and told him he the Lord is with him and refereed to Gideon as "mighty hero". (I wonder if it wasn't an angel at all but Jesus himself because in this conversation "the angel" is then refereed to as "the Lord".) Gideon doubted. He asked, if the Lord is with us, then why are all these bad things happening. What a question! Why are all these bad things happening today? The Lord is with us? Really? Why do I feel sad sometimes then? It's hard to tell if God is there sometimes. I mean, if you're a Christian at least... If you're not a Christian, then you are already convinced that He's not there.

But for me, I believe in God. I feel He exists. I believe he created me and this Universe that I live in. It's hard sometimes to see good in the world. I'm an American, so I have it good anyway, and I probably shouldn't complain. But I do. Life is hard sometimes. Life seems unfair sometimes. I wonder why my career isn't progressing like I would like it. I wonder why I don't have time to do the things I really enjoy to do. I wonder why I don't have a schedule that allows me to spend more time with my son and with my wife. Sometimes I push through life and wonder where God is in all of this. Sometimes I don't feel anything, and I hate it. You're with me, God? Then prove it. Gideon asked God to prove himself in this story. Apparently it wasn't out of line, either. God agreed and He decided to prove Himself. After the Lord came to Gideon, Gideon asked that He wait so that he could get an offering for Him. He wanted proof. Gideon got his proof, too. He brought his offering to the Lord, and the Lord touched the offering with the staff He was holding, and the offering was consumed with fire. This part of the story reminds me that God is holy. Holiness is something I think about sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever completely understand. God is holy. The holiness of God is described in parts of the Bible. God is perfect. God is infinite. God created this Universe, and my mind cannot comprehend the complexities of the Universe. What's even more insane is that the Universe is complex and it works and it's impossible to understand how the universe holds itself together, but inside this Universe there are mini universes within the vast Universe that we live in. The mini universes I'm talking about are the complex systems and rules that happen just on Earth. Plants. Plants use photosynthesis to convert energy from the sun to grow and live. They take carbon dioxide and convert it into oxygen. WTF?! This is crazy to me. Gravity. Gravity can be observed and it is there. We all know it. Why the F does gravity even exist in the first place? No one knows. We can observe it and we know some things about gravity. Gravity isn't even the most powerful force in the Universe. I don't know too much about the other forces, I remember hearing a little about it in a Startalk episode. I believe God made these things come to be. I believe God created this Universe. I believe God came up with Gravity and the human brain. The Creator is holy. I don't yet understand what that means. But there are moments in life when I kind of understand a little. God's holiness shows up.

So, it's okay to question things. I think that God will show Himself to us when we ask. God's knowledge is infinite. God knows where I'll end up. He knows how my story ends, and He knows I'll stress out about it. What's comforting to me is that God is holy and God is big. God created this Universe with his infinite wisdom, and God loves me. God hears me, even when I feel like I'm drowning in the middle of the ocean. God hears me and He cares.